AW: Morning Blog Post No. 36

The kids are off to school. The husband is off to work. I'm tempted to lay down and take a nap but if I do that I won't get much done before the end of the day. I know that I need to slow down some because I am sick. I feel the powerful urge to do ALL THE THINGS right now. It happens to me when I get sick. Some of it is guilt that I'm not working on stuff because I am resting. Some of it is subconscious shit from my broken upbringing.

I came to the conclusion that if I'm going to write about my youth then I am just going to be honest and not mince words. Somethings I am going to do because of practicality. I'm going to change names and identifiable traits about the guilty this way they can not harass me as much. My writing is shaped by my history. Much of my history is tragic and results in first hand knowledge of things that  children shouldn't have had at that age. It is awkward when I am telling a story that I think is funny and others look at me in horror. It's why I don't talk about my childhood except in the anonymity of the internet.

This blog is small enough and the readership is low enough, I highly doubt that someone like my parents are going to find it and throw a fit over it. I suppose there is comfort in that. I am tired. I am tired in ways that I can't put into words. There's the obvious physical sense of exhaustion because I am sick right now. But I don't know how to describe the emotional and spiritual exhaustion. I feel like I just don't have the energy to do much of anything right now. Writing this post is difficult because a small bitter voice at the back of my head says that this is all point less. Depression sucks.

I find myself wishing that I had a brief stint of mania so that I could power through all of the things that are piled up that I am behind on in one burst of energy. Fortunately, the vraylar has kept my mood stable and this depression I am dealing with is a combination of c-ptsd and seasonal affective disorder. My eyes are watering. I'm so tired I am having a hard time seeing straight. It's 9:17 in the morning. I got a full night's sleep last night. Why must I be so damn tired?