I hate this stupid cold. My sinuses hurt, I feel cold all the time, and I can't stop coughing. Stupid diabetes keeps me from being able to take over the counter cold medicine and my laundry list of medications for my psychiatric stuff keeps me from taking a laundry list of other things that would relieve my symptoms. I'm sitting here waiting for my coffee to be ready. The kids have off from school today because it is a superintendent's conference day. They're running around outside and having a good time.
It looks like they may be watching the train down at the crossing by the lumberyard up the street. Or the may be watching them unload a truck at the lumberyard. Either way, the boys like to see it. [...] I was distracted for a bit by trying to get the right playlist to load on Spotify. I like Spotify a lot because it has a really wide range of music I can play.
I'm tired. I didn't sleep well last night. The cold kept waking me up with coughing fits. Hubby's been sleeping on the couch. Fortunately, this means I don't wake him up with that. He's got this bug too, which was why he decided to sleep on the couch. Fortunately, coffee is ready and I can have some to perk me up. I drink a lot of coffee to get through the day it seems. All of my medications make me tired and the S.A.D. doesn't help things much either.
I'm half tempted to take a nap. That, however, would be when the kids come in looking for something or needing something from me. It happens that way every time. I brought all of my plants in. Now the kids are hiding toys among them. It's exasperating. We haven't had a hard, killing frost yet. I expect it to happen soon. There's a lot of corn left standing in the fields this year. People are watching the prices for veggies go up in the store while the corn is being left out in the fields to rot. Something not right about that.
It wasn't a very good year for corn to begin with. The weather has been wonky and it's made the growing season off kilter. I think that a bunch of the farmers are just giving up on getting it to market because of the fact that it's hard to get a good price for corn, beans, or other agricultural products for a small family farm compared to what the big industrial ones can manage. The big industrial ones sell on a bulk rate that drives the cost down. Throw in whatever shenanigans done by the government and farmers get screwed. As my late grandfather said, farming is the biggest gamble you can take. You're wagering your livelihood against the weather, a fickle market, and if you got a good batch of seed that year.
I'm not sure what more to write. I still have a few more minutes of time to go. I miss my paternal grandparents. They were my biggest supporters of my writing and my efforts to improve myself. By the time I self-published my first book, my grandfather had died from cancer and my grandmother was addled by some form of dementia- it wasn't Alzheimer's, but no one told me what the tests showed because they don't talk to me - that she didn't recognize the book she was holding was one I had written.
I feel cut off from my roots. I don't know how to handle that. So much of my sense of self for most of my life was rooted in my family and family history. Then I had to walk away from my parents. And when I did that, I discovered that I had to walk away from most of the family. Because aside from my grandparents, they didn't reach out to me or anything. It made it pretty clear where I was expected to fall. I was expected to show up and pay court to their whims. There was no reciprocity in communication. I was supposed to reach out to them and check on how they were doing, where as they felt no need to do the same for me.
It hurts. I feel as though I am an orphan in many ways. It is, however, unsurprising. It was made pretty clear that they didn't want me around except as a prop to say 'look at how big and wonderful our family it.' I don't go where I am not wanted. I don't have time for the social political games and the backbiting comments. In college, a friend of mine joked that if we sat down with the DSM-IV we could probably list out disorders for each person because of how dysfunctional the family was.
I guess that's why tragedies happen to families in my books. Because I'm struggling to process what the problems were in my family. And just why they happened.
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