Please bear with me.

Dear Reader,

I have no words to express how much I appreciate your constant companionship. The fact that you remain interested in my blog despite my difficulties posting helps me have hope. I am severely depressed right now. I shall be seeing my doctor soon. Other issues in my life are negatively impacted by my depression and it just spirals into a great big chaotic mess by the end of the day. I try to find the words to write for you. This is the best I can muster right now.

I had plans. Those plans keep slipping through my fingers as depression tells me that there is no point in writing anything anymore. It is perhaps some of the worst experiences of inspiration. I'm inspired to grieve. I have been inspired to contemplate horrible things happening due to anxiety telling me they are going to come to pass regardless of how realistic they could be. I have found myself inspired to come up with arguments to rehearse that I'm never going to have because I'm not going to be talking to those people ever again.

When it comes it writing anything for pretty much any project, the inspiration goes flat. Then I stare at the screen for a while, feel like a failure, and go do housework to try to make myself feel better. And I am the sort of housewife who rather hates housework. It is not that I am washing the dishes to avoid writing as much as it is I am washing the dishes so that I have concrete evidence that I am capable of doing something.

Do not fear, I shall not be doing anything rash. As I have said, I have an appointment coming up soon. I have my loving family for support. I just am having a really hard time right now. And I wanted to express my appreciation for your support.

♥

Book Review: The Catechism of the Catholic Church (pt 1)

Title: Catechisim of the Catholic Church
Editor: Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger
Publisher: Doubleday Date: 1995

Part one, Section II gives a resonable way to recognize other religions as spiritual kinfolk to Christianity and Catholicism. Note discussion in No. 32 of this section.

Question re: Pt. 1, Ch 1. Section 3 No. 38 -
Why is it not argued that God would reveal such knowledge to the faithful seeker's heart and mind? Wouldn't God do that? If you're truly interested in your faith, wouldn't you ask for divine guidance? Perhaps I'm not looking at it correctly.

Pt. 1, Ch. 3 Att. 1 Sec. 3 No. 155 -
"Believing is an act of the intellect assenting to the divine truth by command of the will moved by God through grace."
- Above statement derived from St. Thomas Aquinas
- All things revolve around truth.

Pt. 1 Ch 2 Sec 3 can be summarized thus:
The bible was written by man inspired and influenced by God. Must be read in proper context and with understanding of literary styles used.

pt 1 Ch 3 Art. 1 Sec 3 No159 -
Very interesting - "[...] methodical research in all branches of knowledge, provided it is carried out in a truly scientific matter and does not override moral laws, can never conflict with the faith, because the things of the world and the things of faith derive from the same God [...]"

Following that is a discussion of freedom of faith. I.e.- faith in God must be freely given. Forced conversion is anethema. Conversion by example and education is correct.

Pt. 1 ch 3 art 1 sec 3 Nos. 163-5 -
Faith vs. dark night of soul; look to faith that has persevered during times of trial.

Pt 1 ch 3 art 2 No. 166-
"Faith is a personal act. [...] No one can believe alone; just as no one can live alone. [...] I can not believe without being carried by the faith of others, and by my faith i help support others in the faith."
- look to the community of believers (the Church) for mutual support and companionship during the darknight of the soul.

Pt. 1 ch. 3 art 2 sec 2 no. 170 -
"We do not believe in formulas but in those realities they express, in which faith allows us to touch [...]"
- Tradition (dogma) is flexible. Earlier section in Pt. 1 Ch 2 says larger traditions of Church as a whole are guides to expression of local traditions therefore:
a. Regional traditions add to Church's flexibility
b. Regional traditions make Church more responsive to needs
c. Regional traditions make Church more accessible

This preserves the spirit of Catholicism as embodied during the house church era.

pt. 1 ch 3 art 2 sec 3 No 173-5
- look up St. Iranaeus of Lyons
"For through language differe through out the world, the context of the Tradition is one and the same. The Churches established in Germany have no other faith or Tradition, nor [...], nor those of the Celts, [...]" - does this prove my earlier argument?

Apostle's Creed = individual profession of faith
Nicene Creed = collective profession of faith

[Edited to remove copy of Apostle's Creed and Nicean Creed.]

- images pale with spiritual truth, God has no gender.
- Mary concieved with truth and honestly.
- Jesus was a man, Jeasus was the son of truth and honesty.
- Jesus, as a man suffered, experienced temptation, experienced despair & loss of faith (hell), pronounced dead, rose again and went to his followers.
- Jesus's spirit then acended to Heaven (nirvana, what ever the name of that place of truth) and is with God. Jesus's spirit will return to judge all.
How can Jesus be with us all the while and we failed to see it?

Pt. 1 Paragraph 3 Sec. 3 no. 555-6
Why did the Father will the suffering of the Son?
- suffering stated as a necessary component of life?
- daily life is holy
- all sinners responsible for crucifixion & passion thru hypocracy and defamation of the memory of Christ? hypocracy = relapse into sin?
- Jesus's murder was permitted, why? To bring about salvation; to restore a positive relationship with God?
- despair at Gesthame = assumption of sin?
- cross = Selepnir/Yggsidrall?
- suffering servant = humanity's champion?

pg. 164 paragraph 633, 645
hell = abode of the dead
"[...] For this reason the risen Jesus enjoys the soverign freedom of appearing as he wishes: in the guise of a gardener or other forms familiar to his deciples, precisely to awaken their faith."
- God is an independendly revealed experience. God appears to us in forms and way we can understand.
- Jesus willed his crucifixion?

[I paused in reading this to read the next text.]

Originally Published: 8/23/06

I am clearly not a Catholic. At the time I was reading this and other Catholic texts, I was seriously contemplating converting. Messy story later, I remain a witch but have a deep appreciation for the technical elements of this faith. And some of that wisdom has influenced my own practices and considerations upon the matter of theology.

Book Review: The Joy of Praying the Rosary

Title: The Joy of Praying the Rosary
Author: Msgr. James M. McNamara
Publisher: Ressurection Press Date: 2003

Pg. 49 - The Kingdom of God is simply love.

Pg. 51 - Why are moments of feeling God's presence during prayer typically rare?

"One burden is the experience of trying to express to others what seems too ineffable for words." - True!

Pg. 52 "All is gift. All is grace. The only proper response to a gift is gratitude." - True!

- surrender = acceptance

- Did God have a choice regarding the Crucifixion?

Pg. 59 "Jesus suffered as expitation of our sins." Why did Jesus have to suffer?

Pg. 64 Why does/would Jesus love me?

Pg. 65 "[...] pray as you can, not as you can't and do not try to run faster then grace."

The suffering of humanity described on pg. 67 reminds me of the book of Job.

Pg. 70 "Only in God will we find true joy and lasting peace."

- This reminds me of Augustine's statement about the soul's longing for God.

Pg. 72 "[...] He [Jesus] gives his life through forgiveness. In the midst of His agony He speacks to His beloved Father: 'Father, forgive them for they know not what they do [...]." - mercy & unconditional love?

Msgr. McNamara says Jesus quotes Psalm 22 in that statement. I should look that up.

Luke 24:5 - past vs present?

Pg. 84 lesson- let go past. Give it to God.

Pg. 87 "[...] let us pray for the gift of perserverance."
- Home is where love is.

[Edited to add: I still find myself deeply moved by this text. It may not be something that is of the faith that I practice, but there is a great deal of truth in it.]

Originally Published: 8/23/06

NOTE: Some of my notes make sense to me today looking back on this. The rest I need to grab a copy of the book and read the context for it. I really should have done a better system for notation here.

Evandari Seed Bread.

Photo from Pexels.com

The people of Evandar in the northern kingdoms have less access to wheat. They use seeds and nuts as the basis of their bread in many cases. This can result in a bread that is much like maslin bread where there is access to wheat or barley. It can also result in a bread similar to what people in northern Europe had during the late Paleolithic period.

Evandari cuisine is varied but they each have their staple dishes for the general region. Seed bread is one that can be found on the tables of any of the northern kingdoms and the northern regions of the central region. The wealthy stud theirs with dried fruit and spices. The poor just use what ever they can find in it.

Here is an approximation of Evandari Seed bread.

3 cups of coarsely chopped mixed nuts and seeds (ie: hazelnuts, walnuts, sunflower seeds, and flax seeds).
5 eggs
1/2 cup olive oil
1 tsp salt

Beat eggs until well combined. Fold eggs into nuts with oil and salt. Turn into a parchment lined pan. Bake at 325 degrees for an hour. Cool in the pan and turn out when room temperature. When cool, slice and serve with jam.

Serial stories on pause.

Hi there,

This would have been an update to The Iron Lily or Dacia's War, however, I am putting them on pause for a bit as I resolve some plot issues. I managed to write myself into a corner. I'm working on fixing that. The Iron Lily was supposed to be a mildly gritty cross between an adventure story of a guy and his dog and a twist on the old myths of the adventures of Thor and Loki. It's gotten a touch off track. I'm working on fixing that with pen and paper. Dacia's War is stalled. I'm just plain stumped on this one.

I'll be doing Camp NaNoWriMo. So, look for updates to the Iron Lily and Dacia's War in about two months. This month, I'm working on getting back into my writing for everything. Next month is finishing book seven and (hopefully) getting a good start on book eight of the series. This gives me a chance to flex my muscles and figure out just what is going to happen next to hapless Halthor and scheming Al-Uzza.

Thanks for sticking with me.

♥

Life hack. (Warning, incoming sarcasm!)

Hey there,

If you want to have your productivity drop to zero and your self image to hit record lows, be depressed for a few months on end. It works exceptionally well. 10/10.

Sarcasm aside, usually I'm up out of a depressed episode by now. Here I am struggling not to cry and with the urge to just shut down all of my blogs. The unpleasant parts of my brain are all going full tilt. It may be because the weather is gloomy, which often kick starts a depressive episode for me. It may be because for the last few weeks, I'd been listening to people having screaming arguments (which is a PTSD trigger for me). It may also be because I'm depressed about having diabetes and feeling like I have to starve myself to have a blood sugar that is a reasonable number.

The only writing I seem to be getting done is therapy oriented writing. And that is pretty much all ugly and painful. I am struggling to do anything artistic. Finishing projects I started is difficult but I'm making myself do it. I know that part of my problem is I lost my notes on the plants that I had dreamed up. (It is time to locate those blog posts and recopy them down so I can draw the sketches.) Another part of the problem is that I'm just that depressed.

I'm struggling to push forward. I'll keep trying, but I am not well right now. Wish me luck.

♥