I feel like I am heading into a mixed episode. I'm grumpy, irritable, and unable to sit still. I feel pressured to do all the things. I am both anxious about everything and not anxious at the same time. I hate mixed episodes almost as much as I hate depressive episodes. I have all this energy and zero focus. I am going to try to keep writing through this.
I am feeling angry with the universe. Part of that anger is irrational and generalized. Part of that anger is over the fact that I am disabled. Part of that anger is with the fact that my brain doesn't work as well as it used to. I feel like it is unfair that I got a college degree and started a career in education only to lose it because of the bipolar. I barely manage to hang on with the daily tasks of being a stay at home mom. It was a lot harder when the kids were smaller. Fortunately, we have a pretty good support network in Beloved's side of the family.
I still get filled with anger and spite when some algorithm decides to spit out a bunch of college advertisements at me. I would love to go back to school and get my master's degree. My plan was to get my masters in teaching after I finished off the few credits I was short for the dual English and Physics degree I was working on. I graduated with a liberal arts degree because I was a year short in both programs to graduate undergrad with that dual degree. And I wasn't able to put both down as my concentration in the liberal arts degree, never mind the fact that I was so evenly split either one could have been my concentration. I went with English as my concentration because I knew that my strengths were in using the written word.
I got out of college and after a spell found myself working in education. I fell in love with it. I tell you, there's nothing like watching some one light up as they grasp a concept they had been struggling with. I decided that I was going to somehow go back to school for a master's and my teaching certification. I figured it was something I could do in my free time before I had kids. Then I had kids. I figured that when they got older and were able to fend for themselves a bit, I could go back to work in education and maybe get that certification.
Then came postpartum depression and psychosis. Then came the bipolar diagnosis. Everything was severe enough that I was labeled as completely disabled due to mental illness by my psychiatrist. On one hand, this was a good thing because it allowed me to have my student loans forgiven. On the other hand, this was a bad thing because I truly am in that state. And the worst part is, inside me, I have the person I was fully aware that mental illness is the reason why I plunge into deep depression for months at a time and I am helpless to do anything about it.
My inconsistency blogging is because of my struggle with depression. On my bad days, it is a struggle to get out of bed and take care of things. It is especially hard when it is during a time that the kids are off from school. I forget about things like self-care. It isn't that I can't be bothered, I just forget that I am a priority in the brain fog of trying to stay on top of everything. Blogging and writing, even my therapy focused writing, gets lost in the shuffle. I feel guilty about being sick like this. Beloved tells me that he knows that I'm not doing this for fun. I still feel guilt for not being able to perform my daily tasks and manage my life as I had before the bipolar hit me like a freight train.
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