I'm sitting here and it is almost time to make dinner. It's been a long miserable day for me. I love the rain. The sound of it is so peaceful. But, I hate the rain because rainy days make my depression act up. It has been a day of alternating rain and mostly clouds. There was a little bit of sun when I was getting my youngest child off the school bus this afternoon, but not much. And since that front passed through, things are much cooler than they were yesterday.
I have been trying to push through the depression when it rolls over me. It has been very hard. I just want to sleep and I feel as though I should hide somewhere and cry when the weather turns bad. I'm not sure, but I'm starting to suspect there is some kind of trauma memory attached to this kind of weather. The thing is, I have lived through so much trauma, I honestly have no idea where to begin sorting that out.
I used to love storms with high winds. I have a mild fear of tornadoes, but the sound of the wind howling along with the thunder crashing used to make my blood pump and my heart go pitter-pat. Now, I feel this cold sense of dread. It is probably tied to what ever is the cause of my getting depressed when the weather is overcast, chill, and there's precipitation.
I don't know what to write, hence my rambling about this stuff. I don't have any forward momentum going on book seven. It has been languishing for a few weeks because I have written myself into a corner. I think I'll be deleting a big section and re-writing it. I'm just not happy with it and I find myself looking at it as terribly contrived. Deus ex machina is a thing but I try not to use it very much this way when I do use it, it has some effect. I try to make it so that the characters are in a position of awe and wonder when deities and demigods are around them. I don't want these characters to be ho-hum about the fact that there's a shape shifting dragon near by. I don't want them to get comfortable with the fact that there is a demigod in their company.
I feel like with this section of book seven, I have taken the awe out of these interactions and made them into something rote. I don't like that. It feels like a bad role playing game session where the dungeon master has decided to flex their might to force the players along a path for the sake of their convenience rather than allowing the story to develop on its own. I've never liked games where that happened. At one point, I had a DM decide that my character was going to get seduced regardless of if it made sense in the plot or if I wanted it to happen to my character. Rolls were made, and while that non player character was getting the benefit of natural 20s, I wasn't playing the reaction he wanted. My character loved the NPC like a little brother and not like a lover. The DM tried to push the issue and it was making me uncomfortable and angry. That was when I stood up to grab the fire poker in the joists of the ceiling of the room we were playing in to beat him literally. And that's when the game ended with the DM making lewd 'jokes' at me and insisting that I was a bad player for not going along with essentially my character getting raped.
I quit gaming for a while after that. But it gave me fodder for how to describe a scene like that and that guy was no longer a friend. When we met several years later, he tried to give me a hug and I told him if he laid one finger on me I was going to punch him in the face. He was irate. Called me a cold bitch before stalking off. I knew that he had a crush on me. I had been kind and polite when I turned down his advances because I was already with someone. Apparently, I should have just beaten him up to make clear that I didn't want that kind of attention.
He wanted to make a comic book at one point in time. He tried to get me to write stories for him. I wrote a few scenes and he was upset that there was nothing remotely sexy in them. I stopped writing scenes for him. That really should have been my first clue that he was going to get aggressive with his attentions towards me. My discomfort with the bad DM's attitude and sense of entitlement translated into discomfort writing erotica.
I haven't quite fully recovered from that. Doesn't help that [redacted] insisted that I write him erotica while he was stationed overseas (and it had to be of a specific sort that he preferred). [Redacted] insisted I write him things like that when we were dating before he joined the military. I was embarrassed by it but I wrote it because then he was less likely to hurt me or do something that would humiliate me to punish me for not doing what he wanted. [Redacted] was a world class asshole, to put it very lightly. I still kinda regret not letting him get hit by that truck when he was jaywalking.
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