AW:Morning Pages 2025: Day 27?

I don't know about all y'all but my life has been bananas. First there was the business of going to the doctor back in May and finding out that my heart rate had jumped to near 130. So, he put me on a beta-blocker which has had me feeling exhausted, spaced out, and struggling to concentrate. Writing has become a major challenge/accomplishment(?). 

Then there was the matter of challenging my disability claim's denial. I had a ton of paperwork to fill out and my anxiety was all over the map on that one. The fine folks at LawNY are helping me out. I'm nervous about all this stuff but my anxiety over this isn't half as bad as my anxiety over getting paperwork done for the kids to get them on Medicaid so they can work with OPWDD.

And on top of all of this, my eldest child, my Cuddle Bear graduated high school. He has been in vacation mode for the last month. It's driving me batty. He talks about wanting to get his learner's permit but has made no move in that direction. He talks about wanting to start a business mowing lawns or getting a job with a landscaping company, but, again, has made no movement in that direction. If you're curious about what Cuddle Bear looks like, here's a pic:

And yes, all that curl in the previously straight hair is natural. I had curly hair when I was a little kid, then it straightened out. In his case, the opposite happened. Who knows if Snuggle Bug inherited the curly hair gene or not.

AW: Morning Pgs. 2025: Day 26

For the first time in ages, I'm actually organized enough to get this written. Things are getting hectic as we approach June and Cuddle Bear's upcoming graduation. There's only six tickets that can be used to get in to see him graduate in the auditorium. That means that there's going to be some pissed off relatives. I don't really care about that. I'm just glad that he decided he wanted to go through with walking across the stage and receiving his diploma that way instead of through the mail.

Driver's education classes are looking like they're not going to happen this year. We simply have run out of time to get him his learner's permit. Cuddle Bear will not want to cuddle after hearing that news. I am just tired of running to make things happen for the kids. So, I'm not going to feel guilt over this because I was doing most of the work for him to make it happen. Beloved made a great point, Cuddle Bear has to decide if he is going to be an adult about this and make it happen.

Snuggle Bug has made no noises about learning to drive yet. He's mentioned some cars that he wants to have because he thinks they look cool. I can get behind this. I have cars that I think look really nifty. But he isn't interested in driving yet. So, before any conversations about owning a vehicle happens, he has to learn how to operate one safely. Cuddle Bear knows exactly what vehicle he wants, his late grandfather's truck. Getting him to do the legwork for this driver's ed. class has been like pulling hen's teeth. This is why there's been zero discussion about the truck. 

AW: Morning (somewhere) pgs. 2025: Day 25?

 I did not drop off the face of the earth. My doctor put me on a beta blocker with some side effects that mimic the symptoms of depression for me. It's been hard for me to find energy to write, do housework, or even just read a book. My ability to focus is pretty much shot. I just sit and stare trying to remember what I was supposed to be doing.

Now is not the time for that sort of thing. My eldest son has things coming up to get ready for graduation. We also have to get him his learner's permit so that he can take the driver's education class this summer. I have a ton of paperwork to do for myself and the kids to get things sorted out for supports that they need. When I should be working on all of this stuff, I am sleeping on the couch or sitting infront of the computer spaced out. I am, to say the least, frustrated with the situation.

I don't fully understand why my resting heart rate is now high enough to require this. It could be stress or anxiety. I have more than my share of that. I am making dietary changes to make my diet more heart friendly. Because the requirements for a heart healthy diet are not too different from a diabetic healthy diet, it is not requiring too many changes. But all of this is fairly vexing and I just don't have time for one more chronic condition to get in my way. I have too much to do.

AW: Morning Pgs. 2025: Day 24

I desperately hope I can brain up something decent to write. I feel uninspired and rather hopeless. Looking at the situation my country is in and the course it is moving along, I can't help but feel like there's nothing I can do. It's a train wreck and I can't look away. I just don't know, folks, what any of us can do right now with these insane people in charge right now. I see people taking to the streets and protesting. I know there are letter writing campaigns going on. I know that people are lighting up the switchboard at Congress with their calls. But nothing is changing. We're still going along at full bore into hell.

I honestly believe that war is going to break out. The question is will it be civil war or will it be war with another nation. Either one is a possibility. I am apprehensive about the SAVE act. As a married woman, my right to vote is going to be stripped away because I took my husband's last name. They're claiming that it is to protect the country from voting fraud but that's not really the motivation here. The power players behind this bill believe that women should be in the home, barefoot and pregnant. They're working to strip away the rights that their grandmothers fought for. I don't think they even realize what they're doing.

I don't know. I really don't know anymore. I kept telling myself for years that this day was going to come even when people called me crazy for it. All that worrying, however, didn't yield much of a plan. Planting a garden and canning food is all I've got for ideas on how to handle this. Hunkering down and basically trying to weather the storm with old time skills and such. Because I think that's the only thing that's going to carry us through what's coming.

AW: Morning Pgs. 2025: Day 23

I haven't been well over the last few days. My arthritis has been acting up and I had a migraine yesterday. Throw on top of it all how the gloomy weather has made my depression act up and it's just been hard to have the motivation to do much of anything. The biggest problem, honestly, was the arthritis. My neck was hurting so badly I could barely turn my head. Sleep was challenging as a result.

I think the surreal nightmares that I had last night (for example, of filling out a job application) were due to a combination of the migraine medication wearing off, stress, and my body generally hating me. Every time I woke up, I was utterly confused as to why the dream was so terrifying. I mean, I am not the world's biggest fan of paperwork but a job application was evoking absolute terror in that dream. I don't think there's a deeper meaning to it. It'd be one thing if this was a recurring theme. It was just a strange night.

I forgot to use my CPAP last night. That may have contributed to the problem. I find the thing uncomfortable to wear. I truly dislike it. But when I don't use it, I have problems with my sleep. Apparently, when the sleep study was done last year, I stopped breathing 11 times per minute. Not as bad as some other people, but you're not supposed to stop breathing when you're sleeping at all. Breathing is supposed to continue, kinda like your heartbeat.

AW: Morning pgs. 2025: Day 22

 I have given up all hope of getting these pages done every morning. I will do the best I can but life keeps kicking me in the teeth. Theoretically, today I will have time to do some 'serious' writing. I am going to hope that I can manage it but I feel doubtful. My home is a mess. I have been trying to get cleaning done but as much as I finish, the kids come along and leave a mess. The sink is full of dishes that my eldest insists needs to soak before he can wash them. This includes all of the silverware except for about four spoons. If I don't wash it, it won't get done.

My youngest has been supposed to clean his room for a half hour every day. He takes the timer in there and shuts the door. To me there is no change in the state of chaos in there but he insists that it is cleaner when he comes out. I suspect he's in there reading comic books. Not that I was a child who would spend most of their assigned cleaning time reading. ;)

I am so worn out and I have no idea why. The grey weather hasn't done my mood any favors. I keep hoping for sunshine and warmth but it's not here yet. My brain functions better when the weather is fair and warm. 

AW: Morning Pgs. 2025: Day 21

 Well, I've set my timer into motion and I have music playing but no inspiration. My thoughts are jumbled up. I have some anxiety going on about political stuff. Well, some is a huge understatement but it's there. I also have my mind clicking away at the question of how to prepare for my next depressive episode so that it doesn't knock me down as badly as the last one did. And I am trying to figure out what I need to do so that I can make sure that all the supports I need for the kids are in place for next year. That IEP meeting last week was helpful but there needs to be more.

Aside from worrying about these things, I have a measure of dread regarding a phone call happening this afternoon. I will be talking with an attorney about challenging the denial of my social security claim. Last year and the months of being so out of it that I couldn't function tells me that I couldn't even handle a part time job. It makes me feel like the part of my brain that insists I am lazy is wrong. I have evidence that I can't shake a stick at which proves that I am disabled. It is a big pile of evidence but last year's depressive episode really hammered it home.

I want to be productive. I want to work. But I have to recognize my limits. If I push myself too hard, I'll slide right back into that pit of despair and be useless to anyone. The bare minimum just isn't enough. It is part of the reason why I wasn't cooking daily which lead to my kids losing weight. It made the doctors concerned and they literally ordered that the kids get desserts and snacks whenever they want them. The kids' friends are jealous. I'm just trying to figure out how to make it all work so that the kids have what they need the next time my brain goes haywire.

I'm not half so clever as to have a better plan than using my planner religiously and attempting to be more stubborn than the depression. I'm trying to come up with a better plan than that but I'm not having much success. My mood is stable and ok. Even in the face of the wild anxiety going on. I just have to have a plan for when things go sideways because the guys are depending on me. That includes Beloved, who is super busy between work chaos and helping take care of his elderly mother.

I just don't know what is a good plan. It makes me nervous, to be honest.