NaNoWriMo & NaBloPoMo meme edition

 

AW: Morning Pgs. 2025: Day 30

 So, I get mad. I resolve to write more. And then life throws stuff like having to get the apartment sprayed for bugs by an exterminator in my way. I am more than a little annoyed. I want to write but it is proving difficult with all these appointments and situations getting in the way. All of this, on top of the existing exhaustion side effects problem. I have completely reshuffled my schedule so I can be awake longer during the day but I am still pretty tired. I also am going to bed at around 2000 (8pm) which is somewhat insulting. I am officially the first person in my household to go to bed. But I am sleeping through the night and waking up with my alarm.

Have I mentioned that I have a CPAP? I don't like the thing very much. It's uncomfortable and awkward to wear at night. I am managing 5 hours wearing it at night. I guess that is progress. I'm not waking up in the night feeling like I'm about to have an asthma attack. I was thinking that was because of my allergies being hellish right now. It turns out that was my sleep apnea. When I sleep, I stop breathing 11 times per minute. I kinda wonder how long this has been going on because there are family stories about my having problems breathing as an infant. There seems to be a correlation between being born preemie and having sleep apnea. Who knows. Enough ranting, time for me to get going on my first task of the day. I'm glad I was able to sneak in a little writing this morning.

AW:Morning Pgs 2025: Day 29

 Hello dear Reader,

Part of my silence has been because I've been busy off line with a ton of stuff. More of it has been fear. I was afraid that my blogs would be shut down because the content wasn't inline with the christo-facist bullshit being peddled by the government. When I realized that was the root of my silence, I got mad. I was almost angry enough to throw things. I took an Xanax and did some deep breathing to calm myself down. My anxiety medication is a blessing and works very well. (Have I mentioned that my anxiety has been just about off the chart for months now?)

I am not going to let fear of being deplatformed stop me. I have always spoken out against villainy and oppressive bullshit. I am going to become a bit more political in my posting here. Look for that content in my morning pages. I may lose readership over this. Honestly, it can't be too many more than how much readership I lost by not joining X after Elon Musk took over Twitter. Or the readership that I lost by just not writing for a little over a year. I don't care much, either way, to be frank.

I am quite likely going to cross post this entry on my other blogs. It's a bit lazy but it saves me from typing out the same message several times. I am going to attempt to resume daily themed posts starting tomorrow. I've been pushing myself to be up and moving in the morning around the time my youngest child heads off to school. My anxiety medication kicks me in the teeth and I often take a nap after he gets on the bus, but if I'm lucky, it'll only be a short one and I'll be moving around and doing stuff at 9am. 

AW:Morning Pgs 2025: Day 28

Hello everyone. I'm sorry that I haven't posted in months. Life has been challenging and my brain has not been cooperative. Since June, I've been having a lot of problems with my anxiety. I realized that part of the problem was the fact that I was reading the news. I have spent the last week abstaining from reading the news and my anxiety has improved somewhat. I am not sure how to feel about that.

I know that it is important to keep an eye on what the government is doing. I can feel the weight of that on me as both a student of history and the person who was groomed to be the family historian. It is a headache to try to reconcile those things with my mental health issues. Some days, literally. But in the face of everything, I have been stalled out in all of my writing efforts. I feel guilty about that.

I don't know if it is because I'm in my late 40s and my brain isn't quite as quick as it was when I was younger or if it is because I've reached the stress level that my brain won't function properly. I'm in therapy. I'm taking my medications. I'm doing what I can for my physical health. I guess I'm doing about 80% of the things I should be doing right. But the brain just doesn't want to cooperate with cranking out fiction, fact, or random rants. 

I have been given a few ideas to work with. Hopefully they'll lead to my coming back to my blogs with more work soon. I am so desperate for something to work and help me get my mojo back. I know I'm not depressed. I'm damn tired because of medication side effects and anxious as hell, which has been kicking the hornet's nest known as my C-PTSD. Hence my not reading the news for the last week. I'll figure something, please don't give up on me. I'm trying really hard, it's just not working yet.

AW:Morning Pages 2025: Day 27?

I don't know about all y'all but my life has been bananas. First there was the business of going to the doctor back in May and finding out that my heart rate had jumped to near 130. So, he put me on a beta-blocker which has had me feeling exhausted, spaced out, and struggling to concentrate. Writing has become a major challenge/accomplishment(?). 

Then there was the matter of challenging my disability claim's denial. I had a ton of paperwork to fill out and my anxiety was all over the map on that one. The fine folks at LawNY are helping me out. I'm nervous about all this stuff but my anxiety over this isn't half as bad as my anxiety over getting paperwork done for the kids to get them on Medicaid so they can work with OPWDD.

And on top of all of this, my eldest child, my Cuddle Bear graduated high school. He has been in vacation mode for the last month. It's driving me batty. He talks about wanting to get his learner's permit but has made no move in that direction. He talks about wanting to start a business mowing lawns or getting a job with a landscaping company, but, again, has made no movement in that direction. If you're curious about what Cuddle Bear looks like, here's a pic:

And yes, all that curl in the previously straight hair is natural. I had curly hair when I was a little kid, then it straightened out. In his case, the opposite happened. Who knows if Snuggle Bug inherited the curly hair gene or not.

AW: Morning Pgs. 2025: Day 26

For the first time in ages, I'm actually organized enough to get this written. Things are getting hectic as we approach June and Cuddle Bear's upcoming graduation. There's only six tickets that can be used to get in to see him graduate in the auditorium. That means that there's going to be some pissed off relatives. I don't really care about that. I'm just glad that he decided he wanted to go through with walking across the stage and receiving his diploma that way instead of through the mail.

Driver's education classes are looking like they're not going to happen this year. We simply have run out of time to get him his learner's permit. Cuddle Bear will not want to cuddle after hearing that news. I am just tired of running to make things happen for the kids. So, I'm not going to feel guilt over this because I was doing most of the work for him to make it happen. Beloved made a great point, Cuddle Bear has to decide if he is going to be an adult about this and make it happen.

Snuggle Bug has made no noises about learning to drive yet. He's mentioned some cars that he wants to have because he thinks they look cool. I can get behind this. I have cars that I think look really nifty. But he isn't interested in driving yet. So, before any conversations about owning a vehicle happens, he has to learn how to operate one safely. Cuddle Bear knows exactly what vehicle he wants, his late grandfather's truck. Getting him to do the legwork for this driver's ed. class has been like pulling hen's teeth. This is why there's been zero discussion about the truck. 

AW: Morning (somewhere) pgs. 2025: Day 25?

 I did not drop off the face of the earth. My doctor put me on a beta blocker with some side effects that mimic the symptoms of depression for me. It's been hard for me to find energy to write, do housework, or even just read a book. My ability to focus is pretty much shot. I just sit and stare trying to remember what I was supposed to be doing.

Now is not the time for that sort of thing. My eldest son has things coming up to get ready for graduation. We also have to get him his learner's permit so that he can take the driver's education class this summer. I have a ton of paperwork to do for myself and the kids to get things sorted out for supports that they need. When I should be working on all of this stuff, I am sleeping on the couch or sitting infront of the computer spaced out. I am, to say the least, frustrated with the situation.

I don't fully understand why my resting heart rate is now high enough to require this. It could be stress or anxiety. I have more than my share of that. I am making dietary changes to make my diet more heart friendly. Because the requirements for a heart healthy diet are not too different from a diabetic healthy diet, it is not requiring too many changes. But all of this is fairly vexing and I just don't have time for one more chronic condition to get in my way. I have too much to do.