AW: Morning Pgs. 2025: Day 21

 Well, I've set my timer into motion and I have music playing but no inspiration. My thoughts are jumbled up. I have some anxiety going on about political stuff. Well, some is a huge understatement but it's there. I also have my mind clicking away at the question of how to prepare for my next depressive episode so that it doesn't knock me down as badly as the last one did. And I am trying to figure out what I need to do so that I can make sure that all the supports I need for the kids are in place for next year. That IEP meeting last week was helpful but there needs to be more.

Aside from worrying about these things, I have a measure of dread regarding a phone call happening this afternoon. I will be talking with an attorney about challenging the denial of my social security claim. Last year and the months of being so out of it that I couldn't function tells me that I couldn't even handle a part time job. It makes me feel like the part of my brain that insists I am lazy is wrong. I have evidence that I can't shake a stick at which proves that I am disabled. It is a big pile of evidence but last year's depressive episode really hammered it home.

I want to be productive. I want to work. But I have to recognize my limits. If I push myself too hard, I'll slide right back into that pit of despair and be useless to anyone. The bare minimum just isn't enough. It is part of the reason why I wasn't cooking daily which lead to my kids losing weight. It made the doctors concerned and they literally ordered that the kids get desserts and snacks whenever they want them. The kids' friends are jealous. I'm just trying to figure out how to make it all work so that the kids have what they need the next time my brain goes haywire.

I'm not half so clever as to have a better plan than using my planner religiously and attempting to be more stubborn than the depression. I'm trying to come up with a better plan than that but I'm not having much success. My mood is stable and ok. Even in the face of the wild anxiety going on. I just have to have a plan for when things go sideways because the guys are depending on me. That includes Beloved, who is super busy between work chaos and helping take care of his elderly mother.

I just don't know what is a good plan. It makes me nervous, to be honest.

AW: Morning Pgs. 2025: Day 20

 My week has been just bananas. A ton of appointments and work eating up my writing time. On the plus side, however, my eldest is making good progress at taking care of his braces and was taught a new technique for getting between tight teeth. He goes back in two weeks to get his wire put on again. In that time, I'm sure he will master the skill.

Housework has been exasperating. I am not sure which pile will topple over and bury me. There is another huge pile of dishes and there is a huge pile of laundry. Of the two, the laundry is taller and more worrisome. At least we managed to get some of the clothes that no longer fit out to the car to be transported to the thrift store and donated. I've been trying to convince the kids to go through their laundry and they have been staunchly resisting me. In some cases, going so far as to put clothes on their stuffed animals to say that they don't have to get rid of it because it fits the bear. This is not going to be an easy battle.

More birds are singing outside. The cardinals still sound like squeaky toys. The goldfinches still bicker over the sunflower chips. And the downy woodpecker still big foots it around and chases the other birds off from the sunflower feeder. We now have a thistle sock to hang up and suet blocks. Those will be going up this weekend. I think that the goldfinches will be mobbing the thistle sock as soon as they figure out it is up and that the woodpecker will be terrifying the squirrels that try to steal from the suet block. Either way, it will be amusing and noisy outside.

It's not warm enough to garden yet but planning is happening. Once the danger of frost is past, there's going to be a lot of work done at my mother-in-law's place and over here. The neighbors in the apartment across the hall are talking about putting in a vegetable garden. I told them where the last tenant in that apartment had their garden and their solution to deer trying to raid young plants. Apparently deer do not appreciate ghost chilies.

Flora & Fauna: Dragon wings?

Dear Reader,

If you have been following the paleontology blogs, I am sure you have heard about recent discoveries and exciting theories. It is sort of a hobby of mine that has been on the back burner. I enjoy collecting fossils. My area of the world is where you can find Devonian era fossils pretty easily. I was spoiled as a kid to go out walking through fields on the farm and finding all kinds of interesting rocks. The running joke in my parents' household was that my room was going to crash down into the one below if I found more rocks. To no one's surprise, I took my rock collection with me off to college and went fossil hunting while I was at college. I donated one of the best samples in my collection to the college's fossil exhibit.

Now, one may wonder what my love of fossils has to do with fantasy creatures like dragons. The old stories of dragons in Europe were based on the discovery of dinosaur fossils. These people tried to make sense of what was discovered and from here was the European dragon lore born. I have a love of mythology and folklore. It is part of the fuel for my fantasy series. The dragons of Evandar are heavily influenced by European dragon lore.

As I thought about it all, I realized pretty early on that my dragons were going to have some aerodynamics problems. While I could just say 'it is fiction and doesn't matter!' I really felt like I had to address them. It doesn't come up in the books at this time because it's all background material and there's no reason for it to be at the forefront of the storyline. This lead me to study birds, bats, and bugs to figure out how they managed to stay up in the air. While the fossil record indicated that many of the dinosaurs discovered in Europe had a heavy bone structure, I realized that my dragons needed a bone structure like birds. 

For a brief moment, I considered if they had feathers but I fell back to the old concept of webbed wings like what you see in bats. The dinosaur concept that I grew up with was that they had scales and they were more like lizards than birds. (More evidence is showing they were more like birds. It's really neat to read about.) I then had the question of how do they fly and how do they stay in the air? That piece of the puzzle didn't fall into place for a long while. Then I read about humming birds. The way they hover in the air is by flapping their wings in a figure 8 motion. This allows them to have greater ability to move in any direction. I knew this immediately was the answer to the question of how dragons fly.

I am planning on inserting a scene where the principle characters are dealing with a dragon in flight and the challenges of confronting one. All of this research and planning is going to make for a really awesome scene to write that I know I'm going to have fun working on.

AW: Morning Pgs. 2025: Day 19

I really have to get back to working on that critical analysis of The Artist's Way. That means re-reading the book with a notebook on hand to look at things like how the book is put together physically, how easy it is to read on the basis of the type font used, and dissecting the language of the book. It is going to be a big task but I am not planning on getting it done in a week. I have to review what I have already posted about it and see how far I have gotten into the book.

It is a good book for ideas and inspiration. Some of the techniques that the author shares are pretty useful. At the same time, it has problematic elements that need to be addressed. I want to be as fair and balanced in how I address the book as I can be. I have found it to be helpful and I regularly reference it when I get stuck in my artistic efforts. At the same time, I can't ignore the problems and just blithely say it will work for anyone.

I did that in my initial post about it and I feel badly about that. I have to acknowledge that post was made in a rush of enthusiasm for how it was helpful for me overcoming my writer's block. It has more to it than what I gushed about. This critical analysis is going to dissect the book into it's parts and put things into context. My hope is that with that analysis I can make the book more accessible to others and (if something wild happens) influence a future edition of the book to address the problematic elements in it. Because I truly believe that Ms. Cameron wanted to help her readers and wanted this book to be accessible to as many people as possible.

Craft of Writing: Pocket Notebook or not?

Dear Reader,

Among the various tools I have used to capture ideas that pop up at random is a notebook that is the size of my palm that fits in my purse. I have used a pocket notebook (which I think is the actual name of the product) for years to record prompts, snippets of dialog that I want to put into a scene, and random facts that interest me. To anyone else looking at it, it is a jumble of hastily scrawled randomness. For me, however, it is a record of ideas that I draw on as I sit down to a writing session.

Now for some people, this is an idea that isn't going to work well. I have tried (back in the days of cassette tapes) recording ideas and playing them back. That was awkward for me. I discovered that I didn't particularly enjoy my speaking voice. It was also a challenge to replay details multiple times so that I got them right in my projects. I suspect that it is easier with digital recording opportunities with your phone. I am not that great with tech and I still don't understand all the functions of my phone, hence the notebook.

The goal with whatever method you are comfortable with is to record ideas and inspiration as they strike. I have done this with the pocket notebook and with a bullet journal. The bullet journal got jumbled up pretty quickly with things from different projects mixing together. One would think that would have been the fate of the pocket notebook. Because the bullet journal was larger, I was putting more than a few ideas on a single page and it turned complicated pretty quick.

What tools do you use to capture ideas and corral plot bunnies?

AW: Morning pgs. 2025: day 18

 It irks me that the date of the post doesn't match the calendar date. It is something that just grates on the perfectionist in me. I am attempting to not let it annoy me too much, but it's there. I am more annoyed with myself over the fact that the kitchen is a disaster and I forgot to water the plants last week than anything else, to be honest. I am finding myself having a hard time remembering things. I know that it is stress doing it. Hormones may be part of it, but I know that when my stress levels hit a certain threshold, my brain gets wonky.

It would be easier if my antianxiety medicine didn't put me to sleep. It is ok to take a nap once in a while, but doing that on a daily basis makes it hard to get things done. A part of me says that if I avoid the news that I would be doing better. I can't do that, however, because there's too much at stake. They're literally stripping away vast swaths of the protections that people have on a daily basis. I need to know if my family is safe or not.

I hate the government right now. Hate is a pretty strong word. But that's what I'm feeling. I also feel betrayed by Congress because they're enabling Trump. No one has stepped up and even told him to knock it off. I suspect that we're not going to have four years of this garbage but longer because there are toadies in the halls of the legislature already batting around the idea of a 3rd term for him.

Food of the Seven Kingdoms (Evandar)

 In my world building, I have thought a lot about food. It may seem silly to some authors and more than a few readers to spend my time thinking about what someone eats in a fantasy setting. Honestly, I didn't start out thinking about what my characters ate. At first, I just didn't consider it important. All it was to me at that time was background color for the story.

After all, I wasn't writing a cookbook. Then, as time went on and I looked at the fiction I had read and enjoyed, I realized that truly immersive settings were what I deeply enjoyed. These stories gave the characters greater depth and realism through the inclusion of daily activities. I have attempted to emulate these techniques in my writing. You can see a progression through the books that I have out as I included more details about the world.

I really think that it is forcing me to grow as an author. Asking questions about regional differences in the Seven Kingdoms lead to my describing clothing and climate. Then I found myself thinking no one in these stories sits down and eats. You have to eat to survive. I tried to put more scenes about food into my books. I don't think I've been as successful at that as I'd like to be. I acknowledge in some cases, it comes off as contrived and rather forced.

But, as I look at it all, I think about what the different regions have in common and what is unique to each one. I also have been thinking a lot about food because of my diabetes. Somehow, this turned into my questioning what food is popular in what region, what food is most common, and what do they use to season it. At one point, I started working on posting recipes that would have been served in the world of Evandar. 

I am going to pick that thread up again after some experimentation in the kitchen and a deep dive into the kinds of food you can find in our world. Research and experimentation is what promises to make a recipe work. It is my hope that I will stumble on to things that my kids will enjoy because they're picky eaters. I also hope that I will eventually have recipes that literally add flavor to what I'm writing. It's a tricky part of worldbuilding that most authors don't get to. I think, however, I am up for the challenge. Who knows, maybe a cookbook will come out of this fantasy series after all. Wouldn't that be funny?

AW: Morning pgs. 2025: Day 17

 One of the most amazing things I have seen was a professional baseball player catch a fast ball thrown to them bare handed, with their off hand, and seen out of the corner of their eye as they were giving an interview. If the guy hadn't caught the ball, it would have smacked right into the reporter's head. But there he was, catching it and then tossing it away to the next player like it was no big deal. It was really cool. All I could think was his hand must have stung after catching that ball. I know mine would have.

Life is full of odd little things like that. I kinda wish that more people would notice these minor wonders and celebrate them. I think the world would be a happier place then. I know that the people we appreciate for doing these things would respond like my Beloved does when I thank him for doing something: what? I'm just a dude doing a thing. You're welcome?

My sons are shaping up to have the same attitude as their father. I thank them for doing stuff or going out of their way to help out. Most of the time they say 'don't mention it' in an abashed tone. I know that they're great guys. I try to make a point of expressing my appreciation for all that they do. But all three of them tend to be confused when I do it and at times get a little annoyed with me for it. It's a silly little dynamic in my household, but I love them for it. Even if they get annoyed with me.

AW: Morning pgs.: Day 16

 It might be noon in my time zone, but I was busy with phone calls when I wanted to be writing. Therefore, I say this still counts as my morning pages entry. I'm currently brewing coffee. The apartment smells pretty delicious. I took a walk this morning to pick up a few things from the corner store. As I was out walking, I noticed that the red bud trees all have their buds out. I also heard a larger variety of birds singing than I did last week. It was a chilly walk but the sun was out to make it a little better.

I am stalled on projects because life keeps getting in the way. I would get so much done if I could do things with my mind. Need to wash the dishes? Mind powers to work as I am folding a ton of laundry. Alas, things don't go that way. But, it would be seriously convenient if they did. Multi tasking is not easy. Not when it requires you to bilocate.

I hope to get my planning for entries like the craft of writing stuff done today. It depends on if my kids are going to do their chores today. Both basins in the kitchen are full of dishes to be washed. There's a pile of laundry sitting in the middle of the living room. I'm not sure if this is going to be resolved by the end of the day. The challenge with teenagers is motivating them to do the boring work. Money was working but now they're just loafing around. Kids, they can be an utter headache at times. LOL

AW: Morning pgs. 2025: Day 15

 My original goal doing these pages was to write in here daily. Then life got in the way a couple days. It is frustrating but I am attempting to be understanding with myself. The way I see it, if I hit most days of the week I am doing really well. I am looking at past entries in this blog with a fine toothed comb. I have some ideas for how to approach continuing the serial stories. I found material to put up for the features dealing with the setting of my fantasy series. (Looking through old notebooks can be enlightening.)

I am going to restart writing recipes for the food of the world. I really like the concept of a cookbook for a fantasy setting that can be applied to our world. I have some experience cooking over a fire. If I had to, I could make an ok meal. It's just been a really long time since I've done it. Since my family doesn't go camping, I don't have an opportunity to rebuild those skills. I do, however, have a cookbook that includes directions for how to convert a recipe from one that requires a fireplace to cook it to one that uses an oven. I will be relying on that heavily as I experiment with recipes. 

I want to do a better job of  posting writing advice every week. That requires my effort to review all the topics I have covered before I start drafting out new material. It's going to be slow going on that project. In the midst of all of this, I am hoping to write a couple fantasy books this year and do major revisions on one that I published already in a different genre. I have a list of things I want to accomplish and I am trying not to put a ton of pressure on myself to get it all done as soon as possible. The world is stressing me out and I tend to default to pressuring myself to do all the things 'before it's too late.'

Bad habits and all that.

AW: Morning Pgs. 2025: Day 14

 It is 1131 and therefore still technically morning. I may try to skate by on technicalities at times, but I don't make it a habit. I just deleted a sentence because it looked ugly. That sounds funny and like a pretty goofball way of thinking. To be honest, however, a sentence that is well crafted flows well in spoken word and looks better on the page. I may have spent too much time staring at blank pages and considered taking up my sketch book in exchange for doing my writing this morning. 

I have a sore back because I'm all tense from everything going on in the government right now. I'm pretty sure you can stick a fork in the USA as a republic because I think we're done. With the president making rules by fiat, ignoring the courts, and having the majority of the legislature kissing up to him, we're just done. It is not with any joy that I say that. I fear for the future, honestly.

I figure it's a matter of time until I get blogs banned in my own country. Heck, I may not even be able to blog with the way things are going. I don't think that Trump is going to turn off the internet. He's too interested in the easy fix for good feels to do that. I deleted quite a few sentences. I really need to break the habit of editing as I type. This is frustrating.

AW: Morning pgs. 2025: Day 13

 I am up stupidly early again. Well, not too early but it feels that way. I woke up at 0430 and it is now 0550. It's pretty close to when I usually wake up on weekdays. I have been attempting to curb my habit of editing as I write when I do these morning pages. I have not been successful. As such, I think that I shave a few minutes of writing time off in doing so. Not that much you'd think, but it counts when you are writing for ten minutes.

I have this sand timer that I love. It runs for exactly ten minutes. The best part about it is the fact that it is the only sand timer that I have found with pink sand in it. Pink is one of my favorite colors. To say the least, when I saw it in the home decor department of a store that I was shopping in, I grabbed it. It was supposed to just be a cute little thing that collects dust on your shelf, but then I timed it and discovered it was actually useful. That was where the idea of writing for ten minutes was born.

Setting a time limit on my writing is not a bad thing, in my opinion. It forces me to stay on task and keeps me from getting sucked into my work and forgetting all the other things I have to do in a given day. That said, I only use the time limit on these morning pages. My other posts are longer because I spend more time on them.

I keep trying not to correct my spelling and grammar as I am working here and it is such an ingrained habit that I keep doing it. Ugh. I have managed through chat programs to break myself of the habit of constant capitalization of sentences and such. One may wonder why this is and it's just a part of me wants to be contrary. So, if you're ever in a chat session with me, you are going to find that I type in all lowercase letters except for proper names. It isn't that I don't care as much as it is I am trying to force myself to have more mental flexibility. Breaking rules of writing is difficult and forces me to think about what I am doing.

Craft of Writing: Primary Sources

Dear Reader,

If you are writing something that requires you to do research, it can be challenging to sort through the material you find. It can be especially hard to dig down through the layers of source material until you have reached a primary source document. Primary sources are your best tool for accurate facts. In some cases, the primary source has been lost (i.e. the bible) and in other cases it is so obscured that you can't access it (i.e. posts on social media). If you can track down the primary source of material you have found quoted, you can put the quote into proper context.

This can be a frustrating pursuit in this day of digital everything. Especially if you have to go off-line to search material and you're not sure of your access to it. I highly recommend getting to know your local library staff because they can do a world of good. They can help you locate books within their library system and via interlibrary loan that are useful to your research. They can also assist you in tracking down books related to the ones you sign out.

If you are fortunate enough to live near a college or university, the library staff there can help you locate academic papers on the subject of your research. Often times, the academic papers serve as primary sources for non-academic work in a given topic. News material can share things that are happening in the field but it is a fickle source. Given the abundance of digital sources and how quickly they change, it can be difficult to find an article that you initially read. Screen captures are your friend in this case.

It is important to remember, however, news material can be a secondary or tertiary hand source. Check the articles you read carefully to determine if they are quoting another source. Always hold in doubt sources like chatbot search results and many websites that fail to give attribution to the primary source. Chatbots and AI search results have been found to outright make up material that is inaccurate. As tempting of a short cut these seem, they can literally make you hours more work in the long run.

AW: Morning Pgs. 2025: Day 12

 I'm waiting for my coffee to finish brewing. I am not looking forward to the weather today because it's going to make my bones ache. It already has my back sore. I've been up since 4 am. I spent most of my time writing in my prayer journals. I honestly think that if I was keeping a running word count, it would be well over a million for the year based on what gets written in those notebooks.

Life has been challenging for me on a number of levels. I think the biggest challenge I face right now is making sense of the pile of paperwork that I have sitting here for the kids stuff. I don't know why there are so many forms but it would be easier if I had a printer, possibly. I wouldn't have had to have the forms mailed to me. Actually, it would have been easier if Adobe actually let me edit a .pdf file but I can't seem to get it to cooperate with me. I should probably ask Beloved to show me how it actually works at some point this week.

I am listening to rock and roll right now but it's just serving as background noise. I enjoy ZZ Top and their song 'Sharp Dressed Man' is one of my favorites, but I'm not feeling it right now. I'm distracted by worry over the future. The president is an idiot. He just tries to bluster his way through everything and expect his opinion to be more important because he has money. I really do think that the man is repulsive and an example of everything that is wrong with the US.

His policies are impacting my family and that makes me angry. I am not looking forward to the rest of his term. I highly suspect that the Republicans are going to try to make him have a third term. I wish the guy would smell burnt toast and fall over dead. The country would possibly be better of then.

AW: Morning pgs. 2025: Day 11

 I have been looking through my journals and no inspiration hits me. My usual sources of inspiration are just not hitting me right now. It's frustrating because I want to write and make art but I am so absorbed in panic about what is happening here in the US that I am stuck. I really don't want to be stuck, but it's difficult to get unstuck. I am making progress getting supports lined up for my kids for over the summer and after my eldest is done with school. The boys both have a wicked case of ADHD and they're dealing with Autism. It puts them about 4 yrs behind the curve which has made school a challenge. At the same time, however, they're making progress and I want to see that progress continue forward. 

My eldest is due to graduate this year. My biggest concern for him is getting things lined up for him to learn valuable life skills. I've tried teaching him how to cook and such but to no avail. He seems to listen better to other people than me. I don't know if it is a case of familiarity breeding some level of contempt or what. I don't think contempt is the right word but I can't think of a better one. He is a good kid, they both are. Beloved and I have been doing everything we can think of to teach them life skills but it just doesn't seem to stick.

I kinda wonder if part of it is the fact that they're teenagers and they're just going through a phase of not listening. I am not sure. All I know is it is exasperating and worrisome. I look at their peers and see how they are ahead of them. It makes me worry about the future. I try not to worry but I do. It's part of having an anxiety disorder, I suppose, and part of having kids. I want the best for these boys and I'm afraid that I can't provide everything they need to succeed. So, I've been trying to get supports for them to help them carry on with their efforts to grow and make a place in the world.

AW: Morning pgs. 2025: Day 10

 This is my first chance to write, even though it is in the afternoon I'm still counting it as a 'morning' page. I am getting really angry with how things are unfolding here in the U.S. One of my state's senators has proven himself a coward and I suspect screwed us all. I wasn't really a fan of Schumer to begin with, but I am not pleased with his decision to support that damn budget bill. Hopefully the rest of the Democrats in the Senate will oppose the bill. I am honestly not sure about it and it is deeply worrying me.

There is, however, a ray of hope. A townhall meeting in North Carolina erupted into 'chaos' as constituents confronted their congress critter. Things got so 'rowdy' that the meeting was ended and the man was escorted off the premises to keep him safe from the people he is representing. I'm hoping that more of this happens. I am hoping that the people of the United States are going to stand up and kick Trump and his cronies in the teeth.

I still feel like my vote was wasted, to be honest. I still feel that Donald Trump should be sitting in prison right now and that Elon Musk should be right beside him for breaking the law. Because Musk doesn't have the legal right to fire people from their jobs in the government. The active dismemberment of the government agencies and departments is something that I don't know if the country is going to be able to recover from. I honestly have no idea.

All I know is that Canada is worried that we're about to invade them and I live a few hours (as the crow flies) from that country. I am afraid that the president is going to make some very bad decisions in his blustering way and screw all of us over. I am deeply concerned about the future. People told me that I was paranoid when I kept saying this stuff was going to happen. Believe me, I wish I was wrong. At the same time, I have no satisfaction in being right. All I know is that we're well and truly fucked right now.

AW: Morning Pgs. 2025: Day 9

 My goal of writing everyday here is not doing so hot. In my defense, there has been a lot going on. I am making good progress on housework despite the messes that the kids make behind me as I work. It is a bit easier since they have computers to spend their time on instead of toy cars all over the living room. Those caltrops with wheels are hazardous if you don't carefully watch where you are stepping.

I have found the desk, a good portion of the living room floor, and about a third of the kitchen table. Spring cleaning is a thing happening here. I haven't gone out and pulled weeds out of the garden but there are no weeds growing yet. I have been thinking about it, though. Once they start sprouting up, I am going to pull up all the tiny oregano plants that took over last year. I haven't decided what I am going to replace that with yet, but the oregano has to go. It's taken over the flower bed and started colonizing the lawn as of last fall.

I forgot that oregano is related to mint. Those plants spread fast and thick. The neighbors thought I was weird when I asked the landscaper to run his weedwacker over the oregano. Everything smelled like pizza for a bit but it wasn't everywhere. I think the real reason why they thought I was weird was the fact that I cheered with joy because the weedwacker was doing some of the work for me. The landscaper got a good laugh out of my antics that day.

AW: Morning Pgs.: Day 8

 It is still morning here for an hour, approximately. I have been busy fielding phone calls and working in my journals. Then I suddenly remembered that I hadn't written here yet. It is looking like there is a program at the cooperative learning center for the county which will work well for my youngest son. He loves computers and doing things with them, such as making videos and programming through a website called Scratch. It happens to turn out that there is a program at the cooperative learning center that focuses on things like that which is also more like a traditional classroom than the other programs there. 

Snuggle Bug, as I call him on the internet, is a bit uncertain about it all. But I think if he can get his feet wet, he will enjoy the opportunity to do this kind of stuff. He's always admired his father and been proud of the fact that as an electrical engineer, his father has helped make stuff that goes up in rockets (among many other things). Giving Snuggle Bug a chance to do something similar may set him up for future success. That is the hope, however. Snuggle Bug needs a classroom environment that is rather calm and fairly free of distractions. From what they have been able to tell me, this is what that classroom environment is like, which will make this a better fit for him.

It would be hard for him to be interested in the subject matter but unable to participate because his ADHD was going overtime. Little things like that make school a tough place for my boys. My eldest is graduating this year. I have less worries about him than I do about my youngest when it comes to school. They're both maturing and stuff. But they still have a ways to go and it seems to take a lot of effort and thought to come up with ways that are supportive with out being stifling. So far, Beloved and I have been pretty successful. Or at least that is what the school tells us. I am just anxious about the future because things are so up in the air at the present.

AW: Morning Pgs. : Day 7

 I would have written yesterday but I didn't have time. One of the kids had a doctor's appointment that was almost an hour late and then we had to go clothes shopping in the afternoon. When I wasn't doing that stuff, I was attempting to catch up on sleep or traveling to do things. I haven't been sleeping well for the last several weeks. I am definitely in perimenopause. I've been having night sweats to the point that they wake me up and make the bed damp. Hot flashes are not my friend, nor are the chills. I know I'm not sick. But this is all super annoying. I called the doctor's office yesterday asking for ideas on how to ameliorate my symptoms but I didn't get a call back. I am hoping that will happen Monday.

Today, I have been awake since 0430. I spent the first two hours of my day doing my best to be quiet. Then the kids got up and Beloved moved from the couch to the bed. He, fortunately, didn't mind the fact that my side of the bed was still pretty damp. I spent a good amount of this morning staring at Facebook. There are a lot of stupid memes on there. I mean really stupid memes. I don't know if this is the FB algorithm feeding me stupidity or if there's just that much of a lack of thought behind internet humor today. I think it's more of the bots at FB being lame than anything else. After all, posts from yesterday vanish but posts from three months ago appear as though new in my feed when it refreshes in the middle of reading stuff. (Am I the only one who hates that feature?)

Aside from the astounding stupidity of the memes I saw, there were a lot of people sharing information about programs that are in danger of having their funding cut, civil rights fights happening at the state level, and general bad behavior of political people here in the US. I have a very socially conscious circle of friends and associates. We're all very concerned about how things are happening here. I am glad the information sharing is happening. I find myself wondering what information is getting edited out by the bots.

Incidentally, there has also been a sharp uptick in the number of posts that I have been seeing about gardening and homesteading. It seems I wasn't the only one thinking that the state the country is headed in, it's time to put my hands in the dirt and grow veggies to preserve. When I next see my mother-in-law, I am hoping to plan out some container gardening for the year and figure out what sort of things she'd like to see in her raised bed planter. It is my hope to get enough produce grown and preserved for three small households.

The biggest challenge to this is not growing things, to be honest, but remembering how to preserve them. I am going to get some canning supplies and a Ball Blue Book to work with. I have access to frozen fruit, so I can make some freezer jam. Being diabetic will make that a bit of a challenge to not eat the whole batch, but strawberry freezer jam is awesome stuff. I figure one pint of it will last us a quite a while. You get the sweetness and freshness of ripe strawberries out of this recipe that my late grandmother gave me no matter if you use fresh or thawed out frozen strawberries. On the whole, it's pretty wonderful.

I may also make a gallon of apple butter. While I can't get those awesome crab apples that grandma used, I think that the larger pie apples are going to work up just fine with her recipe. If I remember it correctly, she used the juice from the apple pulp to make apple jelly. That would be pretty cool to pull off too, to be honest.

AW: Morning Pgs. 2025: Day 6

 I had plans to do more yesterday but life caught up with me. I have a halfway clean kitchen but I didn't get all the writing I wanted to do done. It's frustrating but it happens to everyone who is a writer, I think. I have gone out into the weather to get hot dog rolls for dinner tonight. It was colder than it looked outside. Things are thawing out but it's still chilly. I was hoping to see some Duck Weed out but nothing was growing. I suspect it may have been pulled up last autumn when the neighbors were out in the garden tidying up. 

I wanted to get a start on editing book 7 but I can't find the thumb drive with it on it. It's buried in a mass of stuff in the center drawer of the desk. It's no big crisis. But it is another in a heap of annoyances today. I woke up at 0400 and was unable to get back to sleep. I accidentally woke up Beloved as I was getting my breakfast. He grumbled a bit and then went from the couch to the bed before falling back to sleep. Somewhere along the way, he made a ridiculous comment which made me start laughing. That woke up the kids and he went 'good luck' as he walked off to bed. I think he was getting even with me.

Going through the pile of mail sitting on the table, I found that the school sent us a card offering condolences on the death of my father-in-law. (That happened a little while back and has been part of the reason why I've been busy.) I think it'll be more meaningful to the kids than anyone else. The boys have been having a rough time of it. They're not sobbing over the man but their teenage sullenness has shifted to a sober expression of disappointment. The kids were prepared for his death to some extent but when they think we're not looking they express their sadness to each other.

Supporting kids through life transitions is pretty hard. Death is not exactly an easy thing. But, the boys are doing their best to make their way through it all and be as supportive for their father as they can be. Fortunately, not everything is awful in their eyes. My eldest is excited that the weather is warming up and looking forward to exercising outside. He has a goal to get a whole bunch of muscle built up. My youngest is making time to hang out with his friend next door and they're laughing at old Godzilla movies. So, I think they're going to be all right.

AW: Morning Pgs. 2025: Day 5

 Listening to cinematic music is giving me no inspiration today. Usually, I find myself inspired to write or make art to that style of music. Today, it's just background noise. I feel tired because I slept poorly last night. I think that I have definitely entered into perimenopause with this business of night sweats waking me up for the last few months. That was probably too much information but it's what's on my mind at the moment. Second puberty isn't going to be half as much fun as second breakfast, I know that for sure. Why? Because I have two sons going through puberty right now. We tend to lock horns on a regular basis and this is just going to be worse because we're all going to be moody and hormonal. I feel bad for Beloved.

I am hoping that I can get through this phase of life with out my brain going too haywire. It's hard enough with the mental illness stuff that I am dealing with. It does make me suspect that my year long depression last year was due to hormonal changes. This is a documented part of perimenopause, the depression bit. I think it was just worse for me because of the bipolar and seasonal affective disorder. I have been doing my best to avoid depression triggers but the news isn't helping me any.

I'm not going to go into depth on politics at the moment because I don't have the energy for it. It is enough to say that Donald Trump's behavior and blathering has been triggering me to some extend because of the fact that he is an abusive bastard. That speech patterning seems to be universal with abusers. Something about it just trips a switch in my head and I dissociate and get depressed. Like how I spent most of life during my teenage years.

I am, at the same time, struggling with the urge to document for history's sake all of the shenanigans going on in the government. I was raised with the hope that I was going to go on and become the family historian. That didn't happen but the deep sense of responsibility to future generations and the desire to pass on knowledge is potent.

AW: Morning pgs. 2025: Day 4

A part of me says that my streak of writing on this blog isn't going to last long. That pessimistic thought is a hold over from the depressive episode that recently ended. It's that mild sense of futility that keeps you up at night wondering if anything you do makes a difference, despite the fact that you had a decent day. I have to say, it is a really annoying feature of my brain. On another blog of mine, I posted something that was pretty long about worry. I'm not going to repeat it here, but it is enough to say that I have some opinions on the topic and frustration with my anxiety disorder.

Putting that aside, I am not sure what today is going to hold for me. The weather is warm and wet. They were calling for it to be cloudy but that changed overnight. The rain forecasted for tomorrow is showing up today in the afternoon and happening through the day tomorrow as well. Then it gets cold again and we have a chance of snow. To say the least, I have had a headache for a few days and I'm pretty sure it's going to persist through the week. Up and down temperatures and wild swings in the weather are migraine triggers.

I have a great medication that my doctor prescribed me for my migraines. The trick is, they don't know if it is safe to take more than three times a month. When I get migraines, it can be just one in a month or it can be weeks of them. It's really frustrating to be at the mercy of the weather. It's hard enough to deal with the fact that the weather is being stupid to begin with. Throw in crushing pain and eyes that are hyper light sensitive and it's just awful. I hate migraines with a passion that is deep and true.

World building: how much is too much? (spoiler alert: never too much)

 Dear Friends,

It has been quite a while since I have posted real content up here. I am looking at my journals and notes from the years I have spent working on my fantasy series. One thing keeps coming to mind, this is a lot of world building. I started working on this book series when I was in seventh grade. The first iteration of the first book in the series was a two page typed story. My grandmother was pleased that she was the first person I shared it with. She told me it had potential and I've been working joyfully on it ever since.

The core ideas in that first short story have been fleshed out and given more detail over the years, but so has many other things. Sometimes, I wonder if I have gone too far. I have literal volumes of material that never even made it into my books (published or unpublished). Then I stop and think to myself that all of this material can be carefully reorganized and produce more books.

I don't know if I am going to finish the 30 book series that I plotted out before I die. Other projects pop up and I get distracted. At the same time, my legacy of writing is going to be fun for my heirs to go through and see how it changed over the years. Unless they decide I am still boring. Having teenaged children makes you boring to them no matter what you do.

I hope that you find as much joy in world building as I have. And I hope that it keeps writing fun and interesting for you. It has for me.

♥

AW: Morning pgs 2025: Day 3

 I am not entirely sure what to write this morning. I am still dealing with the lingering after effects of a migraine last night. It was really irritating to have that migraine because I thought I had a few days before it happened. Things like wild changes in the weather trigger my migraines and this week it's going to go up and down in temperature drastically. My eldest son is looking forward to the possibility of riding his bike for the first time in months. Despite his hopes, I am fairly sure that the day it will be warmest is going to be full of rain.

We've arrived at the beginning of meterological spring. I think the birds got the memo early because they started showing up in the middle of February. Each morning, I can hear them out there making a racket. I am pretty sure that they're driving the cats bananas with it all. Beloved has started talking about putting up feeders again for the season. Basically as soon as he heard bird song, he started plotting how to vary his seed mix and get as many birds in our yard as possible.

He proudly calls himself a 'bird nerd' and it's delightful to watch him enjoy this hobby. He doesn't have many hobbies that he can indulge in so this is a good thing. The fun part is that the kids get in on the 'bird nerding' as well. It's kinda become a family affair, to be honest. And it all started with me getting a cheap feeder and a bag of seed so I could watch them out the window.

Fast forward about 8 years and we've had a war with squirrels, chased many of the neighborhood cats, and laughed at the antics of a rotund goldfinch we named Tennis. I have declared the birds to be his outdoor pets and he laughs. He puts just as much care and love into feeding the birds as I do into caring for my fish. Therefore, they must be his pets, right?

AW: Morning Pages 2025 - Pg. 2

 I have forgotten to water the plants again. It's been rather frustrating. I have lost many of my houseplants because I kept forgetting to water them over the course of the last year. You never realize how much depression messes with your brain until you take stock of how much stuff you had forgotten about or struggled with because of it. Last year was a hard year. 

I will be watering them after I finish this post. Then I have a ton of dishes to take care of because my 17 year old son is refusing to do his chores right now. I know that he loves his Chromebook but I may put a halt on its use if this persists longer. A week's worth of dishes is waiting for attention. I know there's no way that he's going to catch up if I let it sit and wait for him to take care of any of it. The ongoing contest of wills is aggravating but that's life with a teenager. And I have two teenagers in the house so it's double the fun. (If only there was a sarcasm font!)

I am not sure what else to write because I didn't come into this with a plan. I apparently am really big on planning before I write. Even if it is a few notes on a scrap of paper. I suppose it is a good thing that I have my planning notebook for my blogs. I know that if I give myself time and allow myself the opportunity to do research for content that requires research, I can get back to high quality posts again. I just feel like that's going to be difficult.

Having my home a mess is a stressful thing and it interrupts my thinking about other things. Navigating through a room full of toys and piles of projects makes it hard to focus on anything else. And that's just the living room. I am not going to give up, just make some strategic decisions on how I am going to approach everything. Like using my timer for making my morning pages  posts. It clocks 10 minutes to go from the sand in the top to entirely in the bottom. Ten minutes isn't a very long time and it makes the posts less stressful because I know that I'm not neglecting something important.

AW: Morning Pages 2025: Page 1

 I am not really sure what to write at the moment. I'm listening to random music on Spotify. I really enjoy that streaming service. No annoying commercials for a mere $15 per month. I don't get to listen to local news on there. But I have found that the local news outlets are doing less local content and more national level content, even in their 'local' sections. It's highly annoying. I'd go back to reading the newspaper but they're just as bad.

I kinda worry that we're heading full speed into a state run media outlet and censorship of the free press. There's a lot of things going on here in the United States that scare the daylights out of me. I feel somewhat helpless right now. I know that will change as I figure out something that I can possibly do to push back against the tide of fascism.

I am really angry with Congress. There's bills being floated that would do things like strip me of my right to vote because I changed my last name to match my husband's when we got married. Sounds crazy, right? But this voting act that is being pushed through says if your legal documents don't all match with the same last name, you're going to be barred from voting. That's just one of the things that's put a bee in my bonnet.

I'd go on but I think I'd spend a full hour ranting. That's not good for my blood pressure or my sanity. I just wish that I was wrong when I predicted this crap was going to happen as a kid. I had people telling me I was paranoid. But I saw all the warning signs and played Cassandra. Not a fun role. 

Posting to resume soon.

 Dear Friends,

Last year, I had a bad depressive episode that lasted just about the whole year. Things like writing stopped and I felt awful. Thanks to medication changes, patience, and more daylight, I am back to my normal self. I am in the process of reevaluating the directions I want to go with this blog. It is a curious feeling to reread your previous work and say 'Did I really write that? It's pretty good.' 

In the course of my working on spring cleaning, I found several old writing projects that I am going to dust off and share with you. It's good to revisit your roots and original concepts for how your huge project is going. It's fun to see how much you have grown and to find the gems that were buried in all of that brain drabble.

If you have books that you would like me to review, let me know in the comments. My personal library is pretty extensive but I know that there is always new things to look at. I will not be doing dual posts on LiveJournal and here for book reviews. I will leave up the LiveJournal links but I am not going to be updating it anytime soon. Too many blogs makes for a frustrated author. And less time for novel work.

ETA: I will resume working on the critical analysis of The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron around the end of the month. In the process of cleaning, I put it in a safe place. It's a sure way to lose things around here with my swiss cheese brain.