Craft of Writing: Fuck Depression.

Dear Reader,

Some strong language for some strong feelings today. Or as some would say 'BIG MOOD'. I've been struggling with depression for months now. It is not severe and utterly debilitating. I can still get through a good chunk of my daily routine. It just sucks the life out of my creativity and leaves me questioning just what I was thinking when it came to being any sort of artist, author, or any other manner of a creative soul.

Depression is hard to write your way through. I never cease to be amazed by people who tell me stories of people they know who are writers that struggle with depression. These other writers with depression some how manage to keep working despite how bleak and hopeless it all seems. It leaves me feeling like a hack, to be honest. I know that feeling is yet more scumbag brain being a fucking ass but the difference between knowing and feeling is vast.

I try to allow myself time to sit with my depression and 'hold space' for those feelings like I was taught in therapy. I try to journal it out and make art to get it out of my head. It is like trying to dig a grave with a teaspoon. All the time I spend in silence, I feel guilty for not writing, not creating, and not doing more. I feel like I should be out there hustling like so many others despite their challenges.

I'm still making the attempt. I'm just fumbling and stumbling like a drunkard. I hate that I get like this. I hate that depression does this to other people. I wish that they could find a cure to the fucked up brain chemistry that causes this or some kind of vaccine. If there was some way to correct the chemical imbalance that makes me want to curl up into a ball, hide somewhere, and cry for no reason at all, I'd be shoving people out of the way to sign up for it.

Instead, I go through periods where I feel too worthless to share what is on my mind, any of my work, or even mention that I have actually self-published a few books. Scumbag brain goes "None of that counts. It's only a vanity press. You work isn't good enough to get any real traction. Just give up." It isn't just about my writing. That scumbag brain pops off over everything when I'm depressed. It ranges from regaling me with all of the ways I have screwed up in the past and how I am doomed to future failures to harsh condemnation for my not doing enough to keep up with my family.

So, I'm attempting to make this stuff happen. Scumbag brain keeps yammering about how I should delete this post because it has NOTHING to do with writing. That, however, is wrong. This post has EVERYTHING to do with writing and being creative.

Writing and being creative is hard work. It gets even more difficult on a asymptotic scale with each challenge thrown at you. There's a limit to how hard it gets. That limit is your breaking point. But until you hit that breaking point, remember you can do anything for just a few minutes. Even if it is five minutes of writing out "I FUCKING HATE MY BRAIN." repeatedly over the page. The trick is, depression is like a lot of other illnesses.

You will have periods where you are depressed and it will be very hard to be expressive. But, those periods will lift. Depending on the form of depression you are dealing with, you may have the good fortune of a permanent relief or the recurring challenge of relapses in to despair. In either case, the depression will ease at some point and you can get to do more of the work you love then. In the meantime, you keep trying because that keeps you in form to do the work.