So, it has been an eventful few days for me. Saturday we spent most of the day visiting family. Sunday was a day of hurry up and get everything done that didn't get done Saturday. Monday was taking the eldest to the orthodontist to get his braces off. I also happened to have mild food poisoning that knocked me down Monday afternoon through Tuesday afternoon. So, either it was food poisoning or a 24 hour norovirus. Either way, I felt awful for most of two days.
I have replaced my writing time in my morning pages with writing time in my camp NaNoWrMo manuscript to finish it. I am not enjoying my morning writing sessions. I was busy running errands this morning. As such, I will be working on the manuscript this afternoon. I'm upset with the whole project. It feels like it will never end. It feels like I'm writing something that should never see the light of day. And I am miserable with it all.
I've had a therapist tell me that if you're not happy doing it then you should stop doing it. They don't get it. Once I start on a project, I have to finish it. It is not because I am on a deadline. That's passed and not coming back. I'm one of those people who once they start something they have to work on it until it is done before the move on to the next thing. Or at least that is how I am with big writing projects.
I'm currently stuck on two things and it has me feeling miserable. Book seven is just not resolving and getting to a point where I can wrap it up. The plot has taken so many sideways turns that I have no idea what I am doing anymore. And I just can't wrap my head around it. I feel like I've failed in that book to actually advance the major story arc of the entire series. It is a horrible feeling and I am half tempted to scrap it and start over again. But I know if I just scrap it, I'm going to scrap the whole series. Because I'm not going to come back to the books because I feel like a failure on that front.
I have noticed that I am an 'all or nothing' writer. I have to either do everything and have it all come out 'right'or I just drop the project and give it up. I'm a perfectionist. It is driven by anxiety and a large amount of emotional trauma that is unresolved. And yet, here I am trying to write and make some money with my writing.
But I haven't really made any money with my writing. I haven't figured out how to market anything. I'm writing some esoteric religious material for a niche group within a niche community. I think I have saturated that market with material and that is why I am not getting anywhere with my latest releases. And yet I still have more ideas coming up to write for that group. I am hesitant to follow them because the last few just fell completely flat.
I started writing because I have worlds inside my head that I need to get out. I started writing because I needed to process the awful things that happened to me over the course of my life. I started writing because I saw a need for certain things in the world and I was well posed to write and fill that need. There was no desire for money.
But, money is necessary to keep pushing the writing thing forward. I can't manage to meet my own deadlines. How on earth can I freelance write? And my writing style apparently isn't that great for freelance blogging. I mean if it was, I'd have more hits and more traffic. I am not a good example of SEO material. It is demoralizing to be in this position.
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