The holiday season brings out a great deal of stress for everyone. I've been trying to clean up the apartment and get stuff ready to start decorating for Yule. The kids have been actively resisting this concept and I swear they are throwing more stuff on the floor than usual. It's really frustrating. My kitchen is a disaster because of NaNoWriMo and my having problems with panic attacks again. (The two are not connected, they just have been happening at the same time.)
NaNoWriMo ate my time by my being sucked into writing my book. I have hit 50k and I'm still not done with my plot. Now I am working into December to try to finish this blasted thing so I can send it off to my friend who is really interested in the short series of books I've written featuring his RPG setting. It's been an honor and a lot of fun to play in his sandbox. It helps that I actually got to participate in the LARP version as the game was going through Beta testing. That gave me a feel for how things work and it gave me an idea of how the mechanics would unfurl in a story. (My friend is a brilliant storyteller and writer. I'm really happy to be working with him.)
The panic attacks have not been so much fun. A guy that assaulted me is out of prison. I've been on edge and worried that he's going to somehow find me. Never mind that it's been almost twenty years since I lived at the location that he knew where to find me. I hear word from friends out in the big city west of us that he's skulking around in neighborhoods that his ex-girlfriends live and it makes me really uneasy. Those websites that let you look up a person's information if you have their name makes it all to easy to stalk them. Nothing unpleasant has happened, but I keep having panic attacks and nightmares that he's going to come to hurt and/or kill me.
Nothing like having a polyamourous relationship go wrong in a horrific way and then finding your third just got out of prison. You're left wondering are they going to try to find you. Are they going to try to destroy what you've got going on in your life now because you kicked them out of the relationship? It's just ugly from front to back. I never should have gotten involved with that guy. But, Beloved and I were fooled by his game and he did some damage before we got wise to what was going on. That's the problem I'm having. I'm afraid that C- is going to show up on my door step and expect us to welcome him like nothing happened. And when that door gets shut in his face, I'm afraid that C- is going to cause trouble because he's a petty and manipulative fuck.
Beloved assures me that C- has no idea where we live. He assures me that because C- is on probation, he's not going to go around and start causing trouble. I'm just anxious and still traumatized from the crap that C- pulled. So, I go around my day getting spacey and uneasy because of my c-ptsd. That makes it hard to function. Then I have panic attacks, which makes it hard to function. And I'm dealing with seasonal depression and the stress of the holidays too. All of this is bullshit and I don't wish it on anyone.
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