I'm just not sure what to write today. I am so tired and run down. And we're still at the beginning of the holiday season. SAD is not my friend. I am in the uncomfortable position of buying stuff for everybody, which makes my anxiety spike. Never mind the anxiety that I have over this entire time of year to begin with. I worry that I'm going to offend someone if I give them the wrong gift. I worry that my gifts will be insufficient (especially if they're home made). I worry that I don't show enough holiday cheer and that I'll be subject to people attempting to forcibly cheer me up. (It's happened in the past, it was a rotten experience that I don't wish onto my worst enemy.) And there's a boatload of trauma surrounding this time of year.
Basically, the holidays suck for me because my brain can't get past the shit of the past to be able to enjoy the present. As this is going on, my kids are growing and I feel like I'm missing out on making special memories with them because I am just too screwed up in the head to do stuff like make tons of cookies to give away and decorate to the point that it's almost ostentatious. Throw in my memory issues and it's hard for me to recall the previous years and what the kids enjoyed. It's awful and I feel guilty for things like not being able to remember my sons' first real yule celebration and what toys they loved the most.
I kinda hate this time of year. I try to hide it. I try to keep a pleasant face. But this time of year stresses me out, makes me depressed, and I have a lot of anger surrounding it based on past events. It's a heavy weight to carry and try to act like nothing's wrong. Because the moment the kids suspect that something's not right with me, they get super anxious and stuff. It's exhausting. I kinda wish I could just turn it all off and not feel anything over the next month or so. But I know that is a bad way to cope, so I have to find other ways to deal with it.
No comments:
Post a Comment