AW: Morning pages No. 87

 It's technically still morning so the title works, right? I'm not entirely sure what to write today. I feel badly that I didn't get pages done yesterday and Saturday. It was a rough weekend. I had to face some hard truths about life and I was emotionally done with the day about about noon. I'm still super upset about the fact that my vision issues (I have two astigmatisms in one eye and one in the other.) have rendered me a hazard on the road for night driving. The signs when the headlights hit them are so bright they temporarily blind me. When the headlights of other vehicles hit me, they temporarily blind me and I have to pull over to wait for a few minutes until I get my night vision back.

I asked the ophthalmologist I saw back at the beginning of the year if my progressively degrading night vision was somehow tied to the astigmatisms and they answered no. I went in for them to do an initial series of tests on my eyes to see if I have or am developing glaucoma. The night vision question is basically a matter of genetics and there isn't much that can be done about it. I'll be going back in to see this eye doctor sometime in February 2022. When I do, I'm going to ask if laser surgery can correct the astigmatism. I know that my aunt was developing cataracts in her eyes and had it done, the end result was just about complete 20/20 vision.

I'm depressed about the whole situation. I'm also kinda scared about the glaucoma thing. I've come to realize that I am terrified about the prospect of losing my vision. Way back about three years ago, my blood sugar numbers were real high and they had me functionally blind. Everything was blurry. Somehow, I managed to keep the household running. As my blood sugar got under control, the vision situation cleared up. But it was a terrifying experience. 

I now have a resurgence of that fear that I'm losing my vision because of the astigmatism stuff. It doesn't help that I have an anxiety disorder, either. But, I feel like my world has gotten smaller and more limited again because I can't drive after dark. It's not like I have a lot of places to go at night. But during this time of year, I can't just take the car for the day and go do stuff. Because when it's time to pick up Beloved from work, the sun is down and it's pretty awful to be driving at night. It's even worse if it's raining or snowing. I feel defeated and like there's nothing I can do.