I don't know what to put down here. I feel like I failed yesterday because I didn't really get any writing done. I got some of my journal work finished but only about half over the course of the entire day. I was running on about 4 hours of sleep yesterday. Every time I tried to rest, construction noises were coming from the trailer park next door as contractors were fixing a busted bay window or working on other random stuff. My brain just was so scattered I couldn't focus.
At the same time, my anxiety wasn't doing so great. I've some relatives who are struggling with some really hard stuff and all I can do is stand on the sidelines and hope my advice is helpful. And then there's the thing that really has my anxiety going full bore. The man who sexually assaulted me back in 2003-2004 got out of prison. He's on parole. This means that I know he's being monitored seriously. At the same time, I'm terrified that he's going to come find me and hurt me again. It is bubbling at the back of my mind, this terror that C- is going to show up on my doorstep, force his way in, and assault me again.
Mind you, I have moved multiple times since then and I have a different phone number. Hell, I got married and have a new last name. Doesn't stop the irrational fear that he's going to use one of those websites to look people up and try to come after me. I keep telling myself that I'm safe but it feels like a lie. I keep telling myself he has no idea where I live or how to get ahold of me.
At the same time, I feel like on some level I'm morally complicit in the crime he committed to land himself in prison and the assaults that went unreported because I didn't break his neck when I had the opportunity. I feel like I bear some of the responsibility of his actions because I didn't report him to the police when he assaulted me. I feel like I bear some of the responsibility of his actions because I didn't put a butcher's knife into his chest when he raped me.
I know these feelings are irrational. I know that they're survivor's guilt. I can't shake them, though. I can repress feelings like a pro but when something like this comes along, they all fly out of the box like a Jack-in-the-Box from hell. The worst part of it all is the tremendous amount of shame that I feel over that whole deal. I feel like I should have known he was going to do it. I am a survivor of sexual assault multiple times over. I should have recognized the warning signs.
The problem is that he managed to hit my c-ptsd buttons and I spaced out. Memories of what happen come back to me in pieces. I have things that scare me for no 'real' reason. I know it's because my brain is protecting me from the violence he perpetrated on me. At the same time, I feel like I should have stabbed him to death when he crawled into my bed to assault me when he thought I was asleep. (At the time, I knew something wasn't right and was having flashbacks to the assaults that happened when I was in high school. The only way that I was able to fall asleep was with a knife under my pillow. When he assaulted me, I laid there gripping the knife frozen with fear, unable to bring myself to draw the blade and defend myself. On the flip side, he physically overpowered me a number of times, so that might have put me into greater danger. Either way, I still feel like I should have killed him when I had the opportunity.)
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