Here but not all the way.

Dear Reader,

You may have noticed my struggle in producing content and such. For the last several months (if not a little longer) I've been struggling with mild to moderate depression. It's really hard to write when everything you have written looks like garbage to you and you feel like the entire endeavor is pointless and why bother. I have an appointment with my doctor to discuss the results of the test that was done to figure out what medications actually will metabolize properly for me and what ones won't. I'm nervous about this test and the impending medication change that is going to happen with the results.

I will confess, I have made plans to blog and have had them go to pot because my kids needed me. Or I'm just too tired at the end of the day to work on anything. I have a stack of notebooks which I use for therapy journal work. They're pretty empty right now too. I feel like I'm broken to the point that there is no hope of my recovering anything of who I was before the bipolar diagnosis and the trauma of that period of time. I had this plan to just write everything down. The pain of that is prohibitive right now. There's so much trauma in my past, I was told that my symptoms resembled someone who came out of a combat zone by a forensic psychologist.

It's hard to remember that other people don't carry this around. And I berate myself for being lazy and not doing 'enough' because I forget that I am disabled. Right now, I'm struggling with this urge.This is the most I have posted in any format in weeks. It's exhausting and depressing. I don't want the horror of my past to be here, I want to write something fantastic and put the horror into that story. It's why I have a hard time with my Artist's Way exercises. Because in my Morning Pages, I am writing about a lot of trauma and depression stuff. I don't want to bring it here and drive away readers.

And yet, here I am writing this confessional. If you are repulsed or disgusted by my 'weakness' please kindly go to Hel where I'm sure that the Dark Goddess will welcome you with some words about others who have come there by way of the complications of ptsd and bipolar.