April is Camp NaNoWriMo: Will I participate?

Current embroidery project

 Dear Reader,

So, April is one of the two sessions of Camp NaNoWriMo. It is the more convenient one because it has 30 days in it like the official NaNoWriMo in November which makes planning word count goals a bit easier. I don't know if I will be participating in Camp NaNoWriMo this April. I'm still having lots of anxiety problems and I'm not coping very well. 

It is likely that I will continue pouring a great deal of effort into my therapy writing. I don't feel comfortable about setting word count goals for that. Some days I can manage to write up to 1k but most days I'm lucky if I get a few hundred words out before I start freaking out over the trauma content in it. This business in Ukraine (and it's Ukraine not 'the Ukraine' which was a Soviet propaganda effort to delegitimize Ukraine's status as a nation, I only recently learned this fact, so I'm sharing it) is triggering a lot of stuff that I thought I had dealt with.

I am part of Gen X and I grew up under the threat of the Cold War for most of my youth. My parents had insane things to say about life during that period. They talked about inhumane things that we would 'have' to do to survive, like cannibalism, if Russia dropped The Bomb. I was frequently told my only value would be as meat for the pot, a laborer to keep my brothers alive (stack rocks outside the place they could shelter if a Bomb got dropped and wait for the adults to show up, not go into the shelter myself), or someone that could be traded off as chattel if someone was looking for something out of us.

My parents were not the most stable or in touch with reality at that period of time, to be honest. It was brutal and ugly. A lot of my childhood trauma goes back to that era of my life. With this war in Ukraine happening, I've been having flashbacks and struggling to cope. I don't really know what to do with this stuff that's coming up. I've been doing embroidery to keep me from freaking out. But, it's not working so great.

But all this trauma stuff is making it hard to write fiction. I don't know if I'll participate in Camp NaNoWriMo or if I'm going to skip it this year.