AW: Morning (somewhere) blog no ??

I have had one hell of a month. I'm glad that the holidays are over. They were pretty stressful. I'm glad that the kids have gone back to school, because that was pretty stressful. And I'm glad that the landlord got our heater fixed because that was pretty chilly and stressful.

I'm not really sure what to write at the moment. My confidence is pretty low. I am still dealing with that damned seasonal affective disorder based depression. Light therapy and my medications are helping me be functional. Beloved says that I am doing much better now than I was at thanksgiving. I personally can't see much of a difference because I still feel pretty shitty but he says that I have made big strides and done a lot better than I was this time last year.

I'm pretty pleased with how the anti-anxiety medication has helped me not have screaming nightmares and flashbacks over the last few weeks. I am at a loss for how to fully process the memories that are coming up. I don't quite know what to make of them. It'd help if I had a therapist but all I've got is a notebook and a psychiatrist who actually listens to me. He had to get into an argument with my health insurance company to make sure they stopped jerking things around on me. He's a decent guy with a sense of humor.

I don't feel very confident in my writing at the moment. Traumatic memories of things that happened surrounding my writing and my efforts to be social keep popping up. I've been doing my best to journal and stay on top of it all, but it is exhausting. I mean, it is really hard to just 'get over' social phobia that got grilled into you by your abuser telling you that you were never going to have real friends only people who used you. That one and her line about how I wasn't ever going to be able to manage the business side of a writing career because I just was 'too dumb' for it have been rattling around inside my head a lot over the last few weeks. Not to mention her response to my blogging, which was that nobody was ever going to read what I wrote and it was a waste of time.

It's been rough inside my head for the last little while. Some of it is because of the fact that I am depressed and that triggers cptsd symptoms all by itself. Some of it is because there are anniversary dates of particularly traumatic events going on over the course of the season. One may wonder, why did so much of the abuse happen during the late autumn and winter? The answer is simple, I couldn't just get out of the situation and go off and wander the woods for hours. I couldn't just go walk to a relative's place and hang out there for hours. I couldn't literally walk home from one of the abusers.

Winter traps people. Sometimes it traps people in bad places where bad things happen. It is probably part of the reason why I get depressed. But, I know one thing, there is always spring after winter passes. I'll get through this season like I have for the last several years, with grit and determination.