Struggling with depression sucks.

  Dear Reader,

I've not been sleeping well over the last while. My doctor adjusted my medication but it doesn't seem to be helping as much as I thought it would be. My mood is dropping and I find myself struggling with thoughts like I should give up on my blogs and all of my writing projects because depression lies to me and tells me that it is all going nowhere fast.

My anxiety has been rather high which leads to me over thinking the prospect of writing anything at all. It's at a point that even writing in my daily journal about the random stuff the kids do and what happens in the neighborhood provokes a mini-panic attack. Fortunately, I will be talking with my doctor next week and figuring out the next step to addressing this problem. 

I feel really guilty that I haven't been writing here or on my other blogs. I sit down to write and I get so full of anxiety and fear that the words just go out of my head. Right now, I'm half tempted to delete this whole thing because "no one wants to listen to you whine." My big Camp NaNoWriMo project only got four pages done through out the entire month. That was supposed to be the Lokean devotional project. I sit down to work on it and I get afraid that I'm going to write everything wrong and that some one is going to lob a brick through my window for daring to go so far as to write about this.

It's a combination of C-PTSD from how I was raised and my performance anxiety colliding with each other and leaving me virtually paralyzed on how to act. I am not going to give up on these things. I'm struggling and my brain is like jello right now. I've got about as much focus as a goldfish. All I want to do is sleep, in part because I'm not sleeping well and in part because I am depressed again.

It is hard to do things when your disability smacks you in the face with a halibut. That, however, is where I'm at right now. Hopefully, after a little bit, I'll be doing better and back to daily writing.

A confession.

  Dear Reader,

I must make a confession of sorts. I have not been writing on any platform in quite some time because I have been terrified that what I write will cause harm. I have been terrified that what I write will bring suffering to my loved ones. I have been terrified that what I write will be the cause of great sorrow.

These terrors are in part the fruit of evil that was done to me as a young child. The people who raised me told me that if I wrote about things they disapproved of people would come to burn our house down or kill us. They told me that if I wrote about topics that they disapproved of my entire family would suffer because of it. They told me that if I gave voice to anything that wasn't 'normal' that I would be ostracized and other people would do things to harm me. These lies were repeated so often that they became the backdrop to my early efforts to write.

I have walked away from these people. I have cut pretty much all ties to them. Due to the nature of the psychological trauma that I experienced with them, however, I have these anxieties and terror that seize me when my mood is low. I have bipolar II and I regularly experience low moods because of it. This acts as a trigger for the emotional flashbacks that have been making writing and any form of creative expression awfully hard over the last few months.

I desperately want to write. I desperately want to finish the book I started a few weeks ago. I desperately feel the need to express myself. At the same time, terror stops me. The pressure within is miserable. I ask that you forgive my silence. I am trying to over come this. I will not be abandoning my blogs. But things are very difficult right now because of my disability and life being complicated.

Struggling with writer's block.

 Dear Reader,

Life got complicated recently. I've been trying to sort it out. In the process of all this, I have come down with a bit of writer's block. I'm working to try to resolve it. I hope to have real content for you soon.

Post migraine update.

 Dear Reader,

I am fatigued and in pain right now but the migraine seems to be gone. Now it's just my arthritis and such acting up. I'm going to try to do some writing by hand and get something ready for you. Look for another post later in the day after the pain medication kicks in and everything hurts less. I seriously dislike it when the weather turns foul, it just messes with everything. That, however, will be the extent of my ranting.

In the mean time, here's a link to one of my writing playlists on Spotify. I usually am working on fantasy when I'm listening to that one. There is some stuff for my sci-fi work on it, but I put it together before I figured out I could make multiple playlists. 

Serial stories update.

 Dear Reader, 

I would have the latest installment of the Iron Lily or Dacia's War up right now but I'm in the early stages of a migraine and the last week and a half have been awful because of a depressive episode. I'll try to post something soon as I can see straight. I apologize for any typos in this because I can't quite see properly at the moment. Again, there is new material coming. I just have to get through this damn migraine first.

Flora & Fauna: Earth-star

 Dear Reader,

I apologize for the lack of a sketch to go with this week's Flora & Fauna post. I simply haven't had the time or the energy to sketch this plant (well, fungi) out. If you look up "Puff ball mushrooms" you'll find the fungi that I am talking about. Just as they can be found and harvested in our world, they can be found and harvested in the world of Evandar. Evandari names for this plant range widely given the fact that there are seven independent kingdoms that make up the larger kingdom of Evandar. There are also many local variations. Almost all of the names can be taken to mean 'Earth-star'. 

There are two varieties of Earth-star. The first variety is edible when it is young. It has white colored, firm flesh and can be in a ball shape up to a foot in diameter. It is considered a very common food stuff. As the white variety of Earth-star ages, it develops yellow spores and seems to deflate some. It cracks open upon the top of it in a star like shape. When squeezed or crushed, the spores are released. The spores of the white variety of Earth-star cause mild gastric distress and can be mildly toxic.  

The second variety is purple and is inedible. Purple Earth-star causes intense gastric distress and can cause death if consumed. The flesh of the immature plant is a pale lavender. As the purple variety of Earth-star ages, it takes on a pale brown color and develops a star shaped crack in the top where spores that are yellow are released. These spores have a mildly hallucinogenic property but the gastric distress caused by their consumption out weighs any entertaining benefit of the hallucinogen. 

Both fungi prefer temperate conditions with a good supply of moisture and rich loam to grow in. They prefer deep shade, as would be found within a dense forest, but can grow to slightly smaller sizes in full sun gardens as long as there is some shade for them. The propagation of Earth-star is done by gathering small, mature fungi and sprinkling the spores over the area where one wishes to grow them.

Craft of Writing: Pandemic Fatigue & Patience.

 Dear Reader,

Here in my region, we've officially entered year two of the Covid-19 pandemic. Vaccines are getting rolled out and life is slowly returning to some resemblance of "normal." At the same time, people like myself who are high risk of getting complications struggle with the challenges of self-isolation and such. There's a lot of unresolved fear and a lot of unresolved guilt. At the same time, there is anger towards people who are not taking precautions for the sake of public health like flouting mask mandates and such.

All of this is exhausting. It's hard to do things on a regular day when there isn't the specter of death hovering over all possible social interactions. Being cautious and working hard to keep things running on an even keel is hard enough. The added constant threat just grinds you down until you're ready to just give up and become a hermit.

This sense of exhaustion is because we are living in extraordinary times and having an event that is traumatic on a grand scale. You can only live in crisis mode for so long before you start to burn out. I know that burn out is part of the reason why some people are casting away their masks and declaring that they're not going to live in 'fear' anymore. It's the most visible symbol of this silent killer. The exhaustion of living in crisis mode for over an extended period of time makes everything harder. Creative people suffer this especially keenly because we don't operate very well living in extended crisis mode. We need stability and safety to be able to create. The illusory stability of being a hermit only works so well. Then you run out of important groceries and you must mask up and go deal with people.

Be patient with yourself and your work. If your primary mode of expression is too painful at this time, explore other methods. Try picking up a paint brush and putting random strokes of color on the canvas to get the feelings out of your head if the words refuse to come. And if painting or other methods of art doesn't work, investigate other creative avenues that you have open to you. Maybe you have a pile of notebooks. Take one and just free write about everything that's going on. Or open a file in your computer to make digital creations that express what you're struggling with. 

Open your heart and let the pain out. And be patient. We are all on the long road to healing.  This pandemic has injured the whole world in many different ways. Some have died. Some have long term health complications that are still being discovered. Some have lost loved ones and friends. All have struggled with isolation and terror. These things are not normal. These things are not healthy. They are all traumatic and require us to be gentle in our healing process as to not re-traumatize ourselves. Don't expect yourself to create the next great novel or write an epic play. A few limericks are just fine if they help get the pain out and lift some of the psychological burden. Be kind to yourself, you are also still healing from this pandemic.

♥