Well, I've set my timer into motion and I have music playing but no inspiration. My thoughts are jumbled up. I have some anxiety going on about political stuff. Well, some is a huge understatement but it's there. I also have my mind clicking away at the question of how to prepare for my next depressive episode so that it doesn't knock me down as badly as the last one did. And I am trying to figure out what I need to do so that I can make sure that all the supports I need for the kids are in place for next year. That IEP meeting last week was helpful but there needs to be more.
Aside from worrying about these things, I have a measure of dread regarding a phone call happening this afternoon. I will be talking with an attorney about challenging the denial of my social security claim. Last year and the months of being so out of it that I couldn't function tells me that I couldn't even handle a part time job. It makes me feel like the part of my brain that insists I am lazy is wrong. I have evidence that I can't shake a stick at which proves that I am disabled. It is a big pile of evidence but last year's depressive episode really hammered it home.
I want to be productive. I want to work. But I have to recognize my limits. If I push myself too hard, I'll slide right back into that pit of despair and be useless to anyone. The bare minimum just isn't enough. It is part of the reason why I wasn't cooking daily which lead to my kids losing weight. It made the doctors concerned and they literally ordered that the kids get desserts and snacks whenever they want them. The kids' friends are jealous. I'm just trying to figure out how to make it all work so that the kids have what they need the next time my brain goes haywire.
I'm not half so clever as to have a better plan than using my planner religiously and attempting to be more stubborn than the depression. I'm trying to come up with a better plan than that but I'm not having much success. My mood is stable and ok. Even in the face of the wild anxiety going on. I just have to have a plan for when things go sideways because the guys are depending on me. That includes Beloved, who is super busy between work chaos and helping take care of his elderly mother.
I just don't know what is a good plan. It makes me nervous, to be honest.